the big 4-0

so im having a rough time
people are pissing me off right and left. for nothing. for everything. people trying to help me i ignore because i just dont want to deal with them. they arent even doing anything and i cant deal with them. my mom is trying to force me to rearrange my room this weekend. i have panic attacks when people touch my things and move them around in my room. plus i have several items in my room that im holding for a friend who is so NOT a friend right now (more later on THAT topic) that she would freak if she found. which she probably already has cause she searches my room whenever im away for long. under the pretext of cleaning it for this or that
i HATE when people mess with my things. yes my room is disorganized. yes it isn't my top priority so long as i can deal with it, granted that's generally because it is all just laundry. okay so i have boxes in the corner that she is pissed about and she hates it when i have things in my bed (how can you NOT have a top sheet on your bed always? uhm because when i do, i get so tangled in it that i can't get out without almost breaking a bone and when i do it always gets untucked within a week, whats the point? just give me my comforter and the fitted sheet and i'm good) but honestly i HATE having people mess with my things. like HATE HATE HATE. so she's all im going to help you clean and i try to explain that i really dont want her too and she gets all pissed at me and yells at me for not having my interim debit card which im pretty much positive the woman at dairy queen took and never gave back and isn't "lost" because it isn't in the car, it isn't in my purse, and i couldn't find it before getting out of the car.
also she's all pissed at me because i sleep on the way to work. and im trying to explain to her that i can't remember my thoughts, i have panic attacks and i have trouble falling asleep lately, which either needs to be remedied with medication immediately or on the other hand is all my fault for "not having a regular sleep schedule" which I do. Bed at 11 wake up at 730. She just thinks that if it's not bed by 9 it's too late and thus irregular. also on the weekends, i wake up at 9 generally, but i lay in bed and read post secret or my new book or whatever. and in her mind that is still in bed and thus asleep. so wake up at 9 get up get breakfast go read my book in bed until noon and i was asleep until noon. totally logical but whatever. and i cant explain to her that it all leads back to it being november. and while im doing better than last year, because, quite frankly i have no other option, i'm not doing perfectly fine. she even brought up to me that you know, for HER, the first year was hard and then she has been fine ever since. and wasn't it EASY to get through his two year? and im like okay it wasnt especially horrible on the day of, but... it's been just as terrible the whole month, minus me going to pieces and crying visibly because i just cant do that now.

on top of that i keep doing this thing where its like think thought A which leads to thought B, forget what thought A was, try to figure out what thought A was, forget thought B, have no idea whats going on and think you're going crazy/stupid which leads to yet another panic attack. waht if this happens at work? what if it doesnt go away? what if people start to notice?

and on top of all of this i know im disappointing so many people who are SO HAPPY! everyone's life is fixing itself. all of the bad things that have happened to other people are getting fixed, and i feel like... im still on pause. im still frozen in this state of not-as-terrible-as-normal but not-so-amazing either. and everyone else is moving past that point. so on top of everyone trying to cheer me up and it just pissing me off because they really just don't get it (at one point one of my friends said something to me a few months back when something had happened "no this can't happen, this just DOESNT happen" and i was sort of like... uhm... to you guys... sort of a regular occurrence for me guys inc ase you haven't noticed im fucking cursed) i also feel like i'm this huge downer that inds up making everyone else feel uncomfortable. which would explain why no one ever wants to hang out with me anymore, or call me, or anything. cause let me tell you when you've been minus technology all day and you turn your phone back on and no missed calls or text messages, and you go to facebook and no new messages or notifications, and you go to your email and no new messages there either, it's so not happy making. plus all of "the guys" are hanging out at scotts house, living there for a week and i don't even get a call. i called one of the boys sobbing the other night because i was having such a hard time with dad stuff and he was like yeah... im busy... and im like ok fine cool whatever. and hes like are you okay? and i was like uhm yeah... (DUDE IM SOBBING INTO THE PHONE) and i never even got a follow up how are you doing? its like idk... im this huge burden to everyone. i dont get anyones inside jokes because im not inside it. the only time i felt like i belonged in the last like... few months was last weekend with susana... and now i mention coming back to visit again and at first shes all YEAH and now she doesnt even respond to my questions about logistics. and when i try to talk about it she changes the subject
not to mention i hadnt seen a friend in awhile. so i called her to mention a concert in tucson next tuesday (i did this like a month ago) and said we should go together and she was all YEAH I havent seen you in years lets goooo... and then it turns out shes going with a different friend. and i cant even ride down with them. so i have no ride to the concert. so i cant go. and she knows that and its sort of a oh that sucks sort of thing. and im pissed. and even if i could go it sounds like susana wont want me to stay the night at her apartment or it wont work out or something

and once more its one of those i cant remember my first thought so how the hell do i remember my point
basically im bitching again
about nothing again
and everyone will comment saying "oh hunny i love you im here for you blah blah" again
and the point is that none of those people are here.
and im unhappy
and im lonely
and thats not changing
it doesnt matter how many times youre like "i love you feel better"


fuck i might as well just make this private or whatever so no one has to read me bitching and whining but i cant even figure out how the hell to do that
fuck
my
life
im so fed up with it


oh also... the one college i know/think ill get into? didnt save my app for next semester like they said they would... so ill probably end up at home for another semester, without a job, having to put up with my moms shit and remaining on pause and desperately unhappy until next fall, or like 8-10 months. hoo-fucking-ray

edit: i also named this big 4-0 thinking it was my 40th post right? nope 39th... i cant even get that right