stop fucking judging me

i know inever update
i know im seeing a guy who doesnt appreciate me enough/at all but i do it anyways
i know he sees his ex too and it drives me up a fucking wall knowing it but i continue anyways
i know i may move into an apartment when i dont have a job at the moment
i know i super fail at trying to get a job (but i AM trying)
i know i drink at home alone and get drunk off a beer and whatever
i know i have a profile on a sugar daddy website and i may meet them and especially if its the 25 year old cutie from georgia offering 3-5k a month
i know i still dont have any of my financial aid infomration and may have to drop out of i cant afford it
i know i take too many baths and there is a knot in my hair and it pisses me off
i know i mumble and my phone makes a weird buzzing noise and my vchat is weird and pixelated and it makes it hard to talk to me

but fuck it all im happy! and i have a few incredible friends that love me inspite of it
and quite frankly i know its all about to fall to pieces but let me just try to duct tape it up one more time?

hmmm

so im not entirely sure how to put all of this into words...

ive just got the first two parts down
and i know that from there a lot more stems out and i need to write it all out... but im finally watching love actually so... im just gonna ponder it all and write it out tonight when im probably not sleeping because i cant because im too bothered...

or maybe ill go to our lady of perpetual help in scottsdale and go to the perpetual adoration for some calm mind clearing time... idk why but i have this huge urge to go and just sit in a church... and OLOPH has the perpetual adoration which basically means 24/7 people are in the church so its open so i could totally go at 2am and just sit and be... im also going to go to midnight mass tomorrow... i think... the ritual will be nice... and it will make me feel connected to dad again...


anyways the two things that ive been able to put into words finally, which leads to like 5 things which then lead to like twelve mini-things... those two are
a) i am terribly depressed
b) i am terribly lonely

and the rest that follows ill post tonight k loves?
i know the rest of you probably know all of this already, and the stuff im going to be talking about some of you know about that too but... i really just need to write it out because when i do that i get this chance to re-read it and see connections in the way i talk about things and the way i think about things and all of that... anyways merry christmas everyone...

haha whoops?

So I did this thing
based on my blog
whoops i guess?

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Dating Site

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

• fuck (14x)
• fucking (9x)
• pissed (4x)
• shit (3x)
• ass (2x)
• sexy (1x)

so...

THAT phase is over
thank god i didnt know how to react to having a possibility of an actual relationship
ha-ha-ha
also mills has fucked up again/still/whatever
so uhhh it looks like i wont be going to ups... idk ill call them tomorrow

and all i really want right now is an orgasm and a bowl of ice cream
i feel like that should be a line in a song


i havent been sleeping well/atall
i accomplished a whole lot and then spent two days doing nothing
im broke
i still have to buy almost all of my xmas presents... but i have a paycheck friday

im so terribly lonely
but maybe i might have a friend to hang out with in january for a week or so
which could be lovely
if it actually happens



other than that and the sliver of a hope that ill be away in a month... and this thing that is happening wednesday which will probably end up making me more depressed with the ever so slight possibility of making me infinitely happy...
im just not sure what to keep holding on for... not that anything changes when you stop holding on... ive done it before... you just end up sitting on your ass for awhile watching the world swirl around you feeling just as pointless as before and then a ribbon goes past you and you hold on and at least you are DOING something... even if it doesnt matter either

and no this isnt a depressed rant... no matter how it seems to read...

speaking of im going to go read and hope to god i sleep

well fuck

this seems to be the best way to update you all on my life when i am incredibly lazy...

updates from my facebook messages/posts/stati

status updates:
needs to write a paper... riiiiight now
hates facebook for taunting her with metro station and her inability to go to the concert.
would appreciate it if stupid boys dumped their gfs and got with her friends so she could live vicariously kthxbai.
: if this was mills this would be the time of night i ran up and down the halls in a blanket trying to find free food and distractions.
is hoping to god that susana is joking... and looking forward to tomorrow, LAST day of work!

messages:
baha so just got out of class
best quote ever (concerning ministering to indians and peole like that)
We didn't bring them God. They already had god, better than we did too. you want to know what we brought them? syphilis.

anyways... paper due tomorrow blurghhhhh

and then last day of work wednesday, thanksgiving which will bea n epic bitch for me... and the day after which will also be a bitch. i hate thanksgiving. day after is relieved due to shopping but its still epically awful

then my job is over and i get to just be for awhile. finish xmas shopping (ps kids send me your mailing addresses at home kthxbai) and hopefully spend a week in tucson with susana... probably not though but its a hope i have.
oh shes going

(On a concert I was supposed to go to but got ditched) "shes just going with her friend
driving with her friend
doesnt want to give me a ride
and good luck finding a ride down hope i see you

even though this was supposed to be OUR trip OUR concert OUR thing

yes fol"
"uhm
just talked to cory (guy i graduated with and guy in my phil. class) for like over an hour and a half on the phone...
he called because he thought my status meant i liked a guy with a girlfriend... and he kind of ended the call with asking me to hang out with him friday saturday. depending. cause he asked another girl to hang out this weekend for gelato but doesnt know which day she'll pick... haha not as assholey as it sounds... his on again off again girl friend of like 2 and a half months finally legit-ly ended it and hes still kind of feels awkward with other girls... anyways

hes a mall cop right? guess what his best story is? okay there are two ONE a car BURST INTO FLAME in the parking garage
and TWO there was a giant LIGHTSABER FIGHT IN THE FOOD COURT"
"je suis fucked je suis fucked
i fell asleep
and didnt finish
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck


a dance went with that song too"
"my mom has jury duty
but tomorrows my last day of WORK!
now on to news of my BADASSNESS
so after philosophy today i was like hey cory... wheres the uhhh big building with all the offices in it... i need to pay my tuition. and hes like you mean the admissions and records office? and im like yeah that one... and hes like how do you nto know where it is and im like uhm... and hes like right... and he has a motorcycle so he was like uhm why dont i give you a ride haha and iw as like hmm... and he was like cause you know short skirts and heels on a bike works amazing... and iw as like you know waht... ill do it. and hes like what? and im like yup and hes like but... heels (better to grip the foot rest with) and skirt... (mehhh) and so i took my things back to my car and he was like oh what about my backpack? and im like ha ill drive if you want. and i was all dead serious about it and he was like GAHHHH! and i was like jk kid calm a bit... so anyways i rode on his motorcycle across campus and on myw ay back to my car i was told to tell my "boyfriend that his bike is really awesome" by this random guy and that he has the same one in blue and wants to race cory...

and then i went to work and didnt work and was hungry.
my day
also
zach (betsys friend) in az? buying me dinner tomorrow after work? yay i have friends again! susana let chris borrow the camera that she took our scandalous photos on... and guess what... HE SAW THEM!
i should be in tucson at a concert right now
but im NOT
also
my teacher said that the paper i could turn in late... no worries no points off blah blah blah and im like YES!"

wall to wall with betsy:
Me: also as for that bumperstick about how mills makes you all I HAVE A CRUSH ON EVERY BOY!

you get out in the real world and it doesnt change... youre just hit with the realization that you no longer have the excuse of going to a womens college for your lack of love/sexlife
Bets: awww :(

well as soon as you get into a real college, it will be boys galore! dont even pretend like you don't have crazy hookups whenever you set foot on any campus for a weekend, bb
Me: aha crazy hook ups with... a guy from south america, a high school student and... yeah thats about it... haha
Bets: plus that other guy who was interested, but shy and awkward...

wait, story of our lives
Me: haha i know right

do those count as hook ups
where a guys like uhmmmm and youre like yes? and hes like "im going to say i really like you or imply it and then completely disappear okay? and youre like uh... and then hes gone

so if you havent gathered im suddenly like... full of guys being interested in me? like wtf since when right? lus its nice cause none of them are that serious about it so its like ladeedah dinner with this guy and then that weekend dinner with a different guy and all the while planning a trip to tucson to see a different guy

chat sesh with kristen basically wrapping everything up
fuck... ok so look cute for dinner tomorrow but not like... RAWR hes underage... and a bit of a manwhore
look cute but casual for my random casual hangout with cory this weekend
and get the fuck down to tucson
since when do i have boys?
like
thats what i have you and betsy for


also fuck me for not being at a concert right now

the big 4-0

so im having a rough time
people are pissing me off right and left. for nothing. for everything. people trying to help me i ignore because i just dont want to deal with them. they arent even doing anything and i cant deal with them. my mom is trying to force me to rearrange my room this weekend. i have panic attacks when people touch my things and move them around in my room. plus i have several items in my room that im holding for a friend who is so NOT a friend right now (more later on THAT topic) that she would freak if she found. which she probably already has cause she searches my room whenever im away for long. under the pretext of cleaning it for this or that
i HATE when people mess with my things. yes my room is disorganized. yes it isn't my top priority so long as i can deal with it, granted that's generally because it is all just laundry. okay so i have boxes in the corner that she is pissed about and she hates it when i have things in my bed (how can you NOT have a top sheet on your bed always? uhm because when i do, i get so tangled in it that i can't get out without almost breaking a bone and when i do it always gets untucked within a week, whats the point? just give me my comforter and the fitted sheet and i'm good) but honestly i HATE having people mess with my things. like HATE HATE HATE. so she's all im going to help you clean and i try to explain that i really dont want her too and she gets all pissed at me and yells at me for not having my interim debit card which im pretty much positive the woman at dairy queen took and never gave back and isn't "lost" because it isn't in the car, it isn't in my purse, and i couldn't find it before getting out of the car.
also she's all pissed at me because i sleep on the way to work. and im trying to explain to her that i can't remember my thoughts, i have panic attacks and i have trouble falling asleep lately, which either needs to be remedied with medication immediately or on the other hand is all my fault for "not having a regular sleep schedule" which I do. Bed at 11 wake up at 730. She just thinks that if it's not bed by 9 it's too late and thus irregular. also on the weekends, i wake up at 9 generally, but i lay in bed and read post secret or my new book or whatever. and in her mind that is still in bed and thus asleep. so wake up at 9 get up get breakfast go read my book in bed until noon and i was asleep until noon. totally logical but whatever. and i cant explain to her that it all leads back to it being november. and while im doing better than last year, because, quite frankly i have no other option, i'm not doing perfectly fine. she even brought up to me that you know, for HER, the first year was hard and then she has been fine ever since. and wasn't it EASY to get through his two year? and im like okay it wasnt especially horrible on the day of, but... it's been just as terrible the whole month, minus me going to pieces and crying visibly because i just cant do that now.

on top of that i keep doing this thing where its like think thought A which leads to thought B, forget what thought A was, try to figure out what thought A was, forget thought B, have no idea whats going on and think you're going crazy/stupid which leads to yet another panic attack. waht if this happens at work? what if it doesnt go away? what if people start to notice?

and on top of all of this i know im disappointing so many people who are SO HAPPY! everyone's life is fixing itself. all of the bad things that have happened to other people are getting fixed, and i feel like... im still on pause. im still frozen in this state of not-as-terrible-as-normal but not-so-amazing either. and everyone else is moving past that point. so on top of everyone trying to cheer me up and it just pissing me off because they really just don't get it (at one point one of my friends said something to me a few months back when something had happened "no this can't happen, this just DOESNT happen" and i was sort of like... uhm... to you guys... sort of a regular occurrence for me guys inc ase you haven't noticed im fucking cursed) i also feel like i'm this huge downer that inds up making everyone else feel uncomfortable. which would explain why no one ever wants to hang out with me anymore, or call me, or anything. cause let me tell you when you've been minus technology all day and you turn your phone back on and no missed calls or text messages, and you go to facebook and no new messages or notifications, and you go to your email and no new messages there either, it's so not happy making. plus all of "the guys" are hanging out at scotts house, living there for a week and i don't even get a call. i called one of the boys sobbing the other night because i was having such a hard time with dad stuff and he was like yeah... im busy... and im like ok fine cool whatever. and hes like are you okay? and i was like uhm yeah... (DUDE IM SOBBING INTO THE PHONE) and i never even got a follow up how are you doing? its like idk... im this huge burden to everyone. i dont get anyones inside jokes because im not inside it. the only time i felt like i belonged in the last like... few months was last weekend with susana... and now i mention coming back to visit again and at first shes all YEAH and now she doesnt even respond to my questions about logistics. and when i try to talk about it she changes the subject
not to mention i hadnt seen a friend in awhile. so i called her to mention a concert in tucson next tuesday (i did this like a month ago) and said we should go together and she was all YEAH I havent seen you in years lets goooo... and then it turns out shes going with a different friend. and i cant even ride down with them. so i have no ride to the concert. so i cant go. and she knows that and its sort of a oh that sucks sort of thing. and im pissed. and even if i could go it sounds like susana wont want me to stay the night at her apartment or it wont work out or something

and once more its one of those i cant remember my first thought so how the hell do i remember my point
basically im bitching again
about nothing again
and everyone will comment saying "oh hunny i love you im here for you blah blah" again
and the point is that none of those people are here.
and im unhappy
and im lonely
and thats not changing
it doesnt matter how many times youre like "i love you feel better"


fuck i might as well just make this private or whatever so no one has to read me bitching and whining but i cant even figure out how the hell to do that
fuck
my
life
im so fed up with it


oh also... the one college i know/think ill get into? didnt save my app for next semester like they said they would... so ill probably end up at home for another semester, without a job, having to put up with my moms shit and remaining on pause and desperately unhappy until next fall, or like 8-10 months. hoo-fucking-ray

edit: i also named this big 4-0 thinking it was my 40th post right? nope 39th... i cant even get that right

Tucson and lovely!

Too fucking much happened this weekend... so lets try to start out with lists and then develop them into stories as necessary... or unnecessary... depending.

Good things that happened this weekend:
Went to Tucson
Partied with Susana (this was mixed... the actual party was crazy lame... the guy that was hosting decided that after I showed up no one was allowed to drink unless he could get with them. So I grabbed a beer and then wanted to do a shot and he was like HOW MUCH HAVE YOUD RANK ALREADY GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE FRIDGE! I snuck in a couple shots and a smirnoff ice anyways haha fuck you too. Granted this all happened within the first hour. (Note to self do not drink fast even if you do have a full stomach especially if the last time you drank was like a month and a half ago) So when the dude walked up to me 2 hours later and told me I was on an "alcohol time out" i was like what the fuck is wrong with you? Also susana almost got in a fight when a guy called me a crazy drunk bitch because I wanted to lay under the beer pong table... i wasn't hurting the game. they didnt even realize we were there until someone dropped the ball and someone went to pick it up and was like hey what the fuck are you doing under there? fucking idiots. but on the plus side it did lead to some awesome catching up in susana's boyfriends apartment. in his roommates room. (he was in phoenix... more on this later)
discovering that alaska-tucson boy from like woah way back when that i met and was like PHWOAR he's so awesome/cute/funny/nice that it turned out didn't like me back despite his obvious signs of digging me too (eg. "i really wanted to kiss you last night", "here come sleep in my room", not trying anything when I did, when I said I wanted to lay on the coffee table he cleared a spot for me so I could and didn't think I was odd, he hung out with me under the beer pong table at the first party WHICH NO ONE MINDED! asking me how often I would be coming back to tucson, saying he would get a facebook so we could keep talking etc etc et fucking cetera) right so that guy right after everyone was like oh no nevermind he didnt like youjustkidddinghaha right? NO! FALSE! it turns out that according to susana he confessed later that he actually did like me just thought i was too nice/too good for him blah de fucking blah blah right? so yeah he likes me... on the downside... was in phoenix... not tucson... fucking grandparents needing visits haha
drunk dialed said alaska-tucson boy... had an awkward convo... something along the lines of i was like hi chris! i shouldnt have called you and hes like is this caitlin? and i was like im sorry susana is taking the phone back buh bye! but... he knew who it was! ha
got asked to dinner by awkward building maintenance man
couldn't go because was driving home
facebook picture bashed like old times with the lovely
got dressed up two days in a row and looked fierce
BOUGHT MY GREEN DRESS! YES THE GREEN DRESS! FUCK ME ITS COMING!
had a brilliant stroke with my wardrobe thanks the purchase of a giant black belt
not getting caught for going 15-20 over the speed limit causing me to make an hour and a half trip in like an hour heh heh
planning a week long trip to see her again soon (as in beginning of december/january depending on her sched prefinals and post trip to meh-he-co)

Undecided things that happened this weekend:
Had Indian food on teh plus side... naan on the down side the meat has the odd taste that vietnamese food has... which i so dont think i like
took scandalous photos with susana... generally a plus but she threatened to show them to certain parties... which would be a giant embarassing minus... especially since its his guitar im "wearing" but for the record thought it was mikes and it is a fucking sexy guitar
began cussing a lot again... fuck

Bad things that happened this weekend:
Dad's 2 year (today... which is why I dont want to go to bed... I didn't really do anything to honor him except attempt to make it through the day sans murdering my mother who was on my last nerve... i think that it was not good... i mean good that i wasnt focused on it etc. but bad that i didnt do anything for him i wish i was catholic and could light a candle for him or just something small)
I just killed a mosquito with my bare hand (thanks mom)
Mom decided that Micaela needed to sleep in my room... (mind you when we moved in i stated my room would be my room and I wanted people to ask permission before going in and fucking with things... cause you know when it was my room in my HOUSE it didn't happen... so i totally expected it would happen with a house that is not mine)
this led to:
Her throwing my shit around
Her rifling through my drawers
Her hiding all of my shampoo and face wash in the bathroom (STILL don't know where)
Her hiding my shit in general
Losing 3 of my pillows
Her opening the window which brought in the mosquito I killed with my bare hands

coming home
being dubbed "the drunk crazy party girls" and i wanted to be like... we may be drunk at points and we may be crazy at points but they do not cause each other... that's just the way we fucking act. okay? stupidfuckingfreshmangirls
not having betsy
not getting jimmy johns and only having it for my mom and bruce to eat
getting sick of my one cd because it was the only cd i had (on the plus side i then realized that i had my laptop which PLAYED MUSIC!)


terrible things that happened this weekend:
cracked my touch screen on my phone... still works i just cant see what im doing... granted i havememorized a lot of it but... new phone will cost 50 bucks