hmmm

so im not entirely sure how to put all of this into words...

ive just got the first two parts down
and i know that from there a lot more stems out and i need to write it all out... but im finally watching love actually so... im just gonna ponder it all and write it out tonight when im probably not sleeping because i cant because im too bothered...

or maybe ill go to our lady of perpetual help in scottsdale and go to the perpetual adoration for some calm mind clearing time... idk why but i have this huge urge to go and just sit in a church... and OLOPH has the perpetual adoration which basically means 24/7 people are in the church so its open so i could totally go at 2am and just sit and be... im also going to go to midnight mass tomorrow... i think... the ritual will be nice... and it will make me feel connected to dad again...


anyways the two things that ive been able to put into words finally, which leads to like 5 things which then lead to like twelve mini-things... those two are
a) i am terribly depressed
b) i am terribly lonely

and the rest that follows ill post tonight k loves?
i know the rest of you probably know all of this already, and the stuff im going to be talking about some of you know about that too but... i really just need to write it out because when i do that i get this chance to re-read it and see connections in the way i talk about things and the way i think about things and all of that... anyways merry christmas everyone...

haha whoops?

So I did this thing
based on my blog
whoops i guess?

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Dating Site

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

• fuck (14x)
• fucking (9x)
• pissed (4x)
• shit (3x)
• ass (2x)
• sexy (1x)

so...

THAT phase is over
thank god i didnt know how to react to having a possibility of an actual relationship
ha-ha-ha
also mills has fucked up again/still/whatever
so uhhh it looks like i wont be going to ups... idk ill call them tomorrow

and all i really want right now is an orgasm and a bowl of ice cream
i feel like that should be a line in a song


i havent been sleeping well/atall
i accomplished a whole lot and then spent two days doing nothing
im broke
i still have to buy almost all of my xmas presents... but i have a paycheck friday

im so terribly lonely
but maybe i might have a friend to hang out with in january for a week or so
which could be lovely
if it actually happens



other than that and the sliver of a hope that ill be away in a month... and this thing that is happening wednesday which will probably end up making me more depressed with the ever so slight possibility of making me infinitely happy...
im just not sure what to keep holding on for... not that anything changes when you stop holding on... ive done it before... you just end up sitting on your ass for awhile watching the world swirl around you feeling just as pointless as before and then a ribbon goes past you and you hold on and at least you are DOING something... even if it doesnt matter either

and no this isnt a depressed rant... no matter how it seems to read...

speaking of im going to go read and hope to god i sleep

well fuck

this seems to be the best way to update you all on my life when i am incredibly lazy...

updates from my facebook messages/posts/stati

status updates:
needs to write a paper... riiiiight now
hates facebook for taunting her with metro station and her inability to go to the concert.
would appreciate it if stupid boys dumped their gfs and got with her friends so she could live vicariously kthxbai.
: if this was mills this would be the time of night i ran up and down the halls in a blanket trying to find free food and distractions.
is hoping to god that susana is joking... and looking forward to tomorrow, LAST day of work!

messages:
baha so just got out of class
best quote ever (concerning ministering to indians and peole like that)
We didn't bring them God. They already had god, better than we did too. you want to know what we brought them? syphilis.

anyways... paper due tomorrow blurghhhhh

and then last day of work wednesday, thanksgiving which will bea n epic bitch for me... and the day after which will also be a bitch. i hate thanksgiving. day after is relieved due to shopping but its still epically awful

then my job is over and i get to just be for awhile. finish xmas shopping (ps kids send me your mailing addresses at home kthxbai) and hopefully spend a week in tucson with susana... probably not though but its a hope i have.
oh shes going

(On a concert I was supposed to go to but got ditched) "shes just going with her friend
driving with her friend
doesnt want to give me a ride
and good luck finding a ride down hope i see you

even though this was supposed to be OUR trip OUR concert OUR thing

yes fol"
"uhm
just talked to cory (guy i graduated with and guy in my phil. class) for like over an hour and a half on the phone...
he called because he thought my status meant i liked a guy with a girlfriend... and he kind of ended the call with asking me to hang out with him friday saturday. depending. cause he asked another girl to hang out this weekend for gelato but doesnt know which day she'll pick... haha not as assholey as it sounds... his on again off again girl friend of like 2 and a half months finally legit-ly ended it and hes still kind of feels awkward with other girls... anyways

hes a mall cop right? guess what his best story is? okay there are two ONE a car BURST INTO FLAME in the parking garage
and TWO there was a giant LIGHTSABER FIGHT IN THE FOOD COURT"
"je suis fucked je suis fucked
i fell asleep
and didnt finish
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck


a dance went with that song too"
"my mom has jury duty
but tomorrows my last day of WORK!
now on to news of my BADASSNESS
so after philosophy today i was like hey cory... wheres the uhhh big building with all the offices in it... i need to pay my tuition. and hes like you mean the admissions and records office? and im like yeah that one... and hes like how do you nto know where it is and im like uhm... and hes like right... and he has a motorcycle so he was like uhm why dont i give you a ride haha and iw as like hmm... and he was like cause you know short skirts and heels on a bike works amazing... and iw as like you know waht... ill do it. and hes like what? and im like yup and hes like but... heels (better to grip the foot rest with) and skirt... (mehhh) and so i took my things back to my car and he was like oh what about my backpack? and im like ha ill drive if you want. and i was all dead serious about it and he was like GAHHHH! and i was like jk kid calm a bit... so anyways i rode on his motorcycle across campus and on myw ay back to my car i was told to tell my "boyfriend that his bike is really awesome" by this random guy and that he has the same one in blue and wants to race cory...

and then i went to work and didnt work and was hungry.
my day
also
zach (betsys friend) in az? buying me dinner tomorrow after work? yay i have friends again! susana let chris borrow the camera that she took our scandalous photos on... and guess what... HE SAW THEM!
i should be in tucson at a concert right now
but im NOT
also
my teacher said that the paper i could turn in late... no worries no points off blah blah blah and im like YES!"

wall to wall with betsy:
Me: also as for that bumperstick about how mills makes you all I HAVE A CRUSH ON EVERY BOY!

you get out in the real world and it doesnt change... youre just hit with the realization that you no longer have the excuse of going to a womens college for your lack of love/sexlife
Bets: awww :(

well as soon as you get into a real college, it will be boys galore! dont even pretend like you don't have crazy hookups whenever you set foot on any campus for a weekend, bb
Me: aha crazy hook ups with... a guy from south america, a high school student and... yeah thats about it... haha
Bets: plus that other guy who was interested, but shy and awkward...

wait, story of our lives
Me: haha i know right

do those count as hook ups
where a guys like uhmmmm and youre like yes? and hes like "im going to say i really like you or imply it and then completely disappear okay? and youre like uh... and then hes gone

so if you havent gathered im suddenly like... full of guys being interested in me? like wtf since when right? lus its nice cause none of them are that serious about it so its like ladeedah dinner with this guy and then that weekend dinner with a different guy and all the while planning a trip to tucson to see a different guy

chat sesh with kristen basically wrapping everything up
fuck... ok so look cute for dinner tomorrow but not like... RAWR hes underage... and a bit of a manwhore
look cute but casual for my random casual hangout with cory this weekend
and get the fuck down to tucson
since when do i have boys?
like
thats what i have you and betsy for


also fuck me for not being at a concert right now

the big 4-0

so im having a rough time
people are pissing me off right and left. for nothing. for everything. people trying to help me i ignore because i just dont want to deal with them. they arent even doing anything and i cant deal with them. my mom is trying to force me to rearrange my room this weekend. i have panic attacks when people touch my things and move them around in my room. plus i have several items in my room that im holding for a friend who is so NOT a friend right now (more later on THAT topic) that she would freak if she found. which she probably already has cause she searches my room whenever im away for long. under the pretext of cleaning it for this or that
i HATE when people mess with my things. yes my room is disorganized. yes it isn't my top priority so long as i can deal with it, granted that's generally because it is all just laundry. okay so i have boxes in the corner that she is pissed about and she hates it when i have things in my bed (how can you NOT have a top sheet on your bed always? uhm because when i do, i get so tangled in it that i can't get out without almost breaking a bone and when i do it always gets untucked within a week, whats the point? just give me my comforter and the fitted sheet and i'm good) but honestly i HATE having people mess with my things. like HATE HATE HATE. so she's all im going to help you clean and i try to explain that i really dont want her too and she gets all pissed at me and yells at me for not having my interim debit card which im pretty much positive the woman at dairy queen took and never gave back and isn't "lost" because it isn't in the car, it isn't in my purse, and i couldn't find it before getting out of the car.
also she's all pissed at me because i sleep on the way to work. and im trying to explain to her that i can't remember my thoughts, i have panic attacks and i have trouble falling asleep lately, which either needs to be remedied with medication immediately or on the other hand is all my fault for "not having a regular sleep schedule" which I do. Bed at 11 wake up at 730. She just thinks that if it's not bed by 9 it's too late and thus irregular. also on the weekends, i wake up at 9 generally, but i lay in bed and read post secret or my new book or whatever. and in her mind that is still in bed and thus asleep. so wake up at 9 get up get breakfast go read my book in bed until noon and i was asleep until noon. totally logical but whatever. and i cant explain to her that it all leads back to it being november. and while im doing better than last year, because, quite frankly i have no other option, i'm not doing perfectly fine. she even brought up to me that you know, for HER, the first year was hard and then she has been fine ever since. and wasn't it EASY to get through his two year? and im like okay it wasnt especially horrible on the day of, but... it's been just as terrible the whole month, minus me going to pieces and crying visibly because i just cant do that now.

on top of that i keep doing this thing where its like think thought A which leads to thought B, forget what thought A was, try to figure out what thought A was, forget thought B, have no idea whats going on and think you're going crazy/stupid which leads to yet another panic attack. waht if this happens at work? what if it doesnt go away? what if people start to notice?

and on top of all of this i know im disappointing so many people who are SO HAPPY! everyone's life is fixing itself. all of the bad things that have happened to other people are getting fixed, and i feel like... im still on pause. im still frozen in this state of not-as-terrible-as-normal but not-so-amazing either. and everyone else is moving past that point. so on top of everyone trying to cheer me up and it just pissing me off because they really just don't get it (at one point one of my friends said something to me a few months back when something had happened "no this can't happen, this just DOESNT happen" and i was sort of like... uhm... to you guys... sort of a regular occurrence for me guys inc ase you haven't noticed im fucking cursed) i also feel like i'm this huge downer that inds up making everyone else feel uncomfortable. which would explain why no one ever wants to hang out with me anymore, or call me, or anything. cause let me tell you when you've been minus technology all day and you turn your phone back on and no missed calls or text messages, and you go to facebook and no new messages or notifications, and you go to your email and no new messages there either, it's so not happy making. plus all of "the guys" are hanging out at scotts house, living there for a week and i don't even get a call. i called one of the boys sobbing the other night because i was having such a hard time with dad stuff and he was like yeah... im busy... and im like ok fine cool whatever. and hes like are you okay? and i was like uhm yeah... (DUDE IM SOBBING INTO THE PHONE) and i never even got a follow up how are you doing? its like idk... im this huge burden to everyone. i dont get anyones inside jokes because im not inside it. the only time i felt like i belonged in the last like... few months was last weekend with susana... and now i mention coming back to visit again and at first shes all YEAH and now she doesnt even respond to my questions about logistics. and when i try to talk about it she changes the subject
not to mention i hadnt seen a friend in awhile. so i called her to mention a concert in tucson next tuesday (i did this like a month ago) and said we should go together and she was all YEAH I havent seen you in years lets goooo... and then it turns out shes going with a different friend. and i cant even ride down with them. so i have no ride to the concert. so i cant go. and she knows that and its sort of a oh that sucks sort of thing. and im pissed. and even if i could go it sounds like susana wont want me to stay the night at her apartment or it wont work out or something

and once more its one of those i cant remember my first thought so how the hell do i remember my point
basically im bitching again
about nothing again
and everyone will comment saying "oh hunny i love you im here for you blah blah" again
and the point is that none of those people are here.
and im unhappy
and im lonely
and thats not changing
it doesnt matter how many times youre like "i love you feel better"


fuck i might as well just make this private or whatever so no one has to read me bitching and whining but i cant even figure out how the hell to do that
fuck
my
life
im so fed up with it


oh also... the one college i know/think ill get into? didnt save my app for next semester like they said they would... so ill probably end up at home for another semester, without a job, having to put up with my moms shit and remaining on pause and desperately unhappy until next fall, or like 8-10 months. hoo-fucking-ray

edit: i also named this big 4-0 thinking it was my 40th post right? nope 39th... i cant even get that right

Tucson and lovely!

Too fucking much happened this weekend... so lets try to start out with lists and then develop them into stories as necessary... or unnecessary... depending.

Good things that happened this weekend:
Went to Tucson
Partied with Susana (this was mixed... the actual party was crazy lame... the guy that was hosting decided that after I showed up no one was allowed to drink unless he could get with them. So I grabbed a beer and then wanted to do a shot and he was like HOW MUCH HAVE YOUD RANK ALREADY GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE FRIDGE! I snuck in a couple shots and a smirnoff ice anyways haha fuck you too. Granted this all happened within the first hour. (Note to self do not drink fast even if you do have a full stomach especially if the last time you drank was like a month and a half ago) So when the dude walked up to me 2 hours later and told me I was on an "alcohol time out" i was like what the fuck is wrong with you? Also susana almost got in a fight when a guy called me a crazy drunk bitch because I wanted to lay under the beer pong table... i wasn't hurting the game. they didnt even realize we were there until someone dropped the ball and someone went to pick it up and was like hey what the fuck are you doing under there? fucking idiots. but on the plus side it did lead to some awesome catching up in susana's boyfriends apartment. in his roommates room. (he was in phoenix... more on this later)
discovering that alaska-tucson boy from like woah way back when that i met and was like PHWOAR he's so awesome/cute/funny/nice that it turned out didn't like me back despite his obvious signs of digging me too (eg. "i really wanted to kiss you last night", "here come sleep in my room", not trying anything when I did, when I said I wanted to lay on the coffee table he cleared a spot for me so I could and didn't think I was odd, he hung out with me under the beer pong table at the first party WHICH NO ONE MINDED! asking me how often I would be coming back to tucson, saying he would get a facebook so we could keep talking etc etc et fucking cetera) right so that guy right after everyone was like oh no nevermind he didnt like youjustkidddinghaha right? NO! FALSE! it turns out that according to susana he confessed later that he actually did like me just thought i was too nice/too good for him blah de fucking blah blah right? so yeah he likes me... on the downside... was in phoenix... not tucson... fucking grandparents needing visits haha
drunk dialed said alaska-tucson boy... had an awkward convo... something along the lines of i was like hi chris! i shouldnt have called you and hes like is this caitlin? and i was like im sorry susana is taking the phone back buh bye! but... he knew who it was! ha
got asked to dinner by awkward building maintenance man
couldn't go because was driving home
facebook picture bashed like old times with the lovely
got dressed up two days in a row and looked fierce
BOUGHT MY GREEN DRESS! YES THE GREEN DRESS! FUCK ME ITS COMING!
had a brilliant stroke with my wardrobe thanks the purchase of a giant black belt
not getting caught for going 15-20 over the speed limit causing me to make an hour and a half trip in like an hour heh heh
planning a week long trip to see her again soon (as in beginning of december/january depending on her sched prefinals and post trip to meh-he-co)

Undecided things that happened this weekend:
Had Indian food on teh plus side... naan on the down side the meat has the odd taste that vietnamese food has... which i so dont think i like
took scandalous photos with susana... generally a plus but she threatened to show them to certain parties... which would be a giant embarassing minus... especially since its his guitar im "wearing" but for the record thought it was mikes and it is a fucking sexy guitar
began cussing a lot again... fuck

Bad things that happened this weekend:
Dad's 2 year (today... which is why I dont want to go to bed... I didn't really do anything to honor him except attempt to make it through the day sans murdering my mother who was on my last nerve... i think that it was not good... i mean good that i wasnt focused on it etc. but bad that i didnt do anything for him i wish i was catholic and could light a candle for him or just something small)
I just killed a mosquito with my bare hand (thanks mom)
Mom decided that Micaela needed to sleep in my room... (mind you when we moved in i stated my room would be my room and I wanted people to ask permission before going in and fucking with things... cause you know when it was my room in my HOUSE it didn't happen... so i totally expected it would happen with a house that is not mine)
this led to:
Her throwing my shit around
Her rifling through my drawers
Her hiding all of my shampoo and face wash in the bathroom (STILL don't know where)
Her hiding my shit in general
Losing 3 of my pillows
Her opening the window which brought in the mosquito I killed with my bare hands

coming home
being dubbed "the drunk crazy party girls" and i wanted to be like... we may be drunk at points and we may be crazy at points but they do not cause each other... that's just the way we fucking act. okay? stupidfuckingfreshmangirls
not having betsy
not getting jimmy johns and only having it for my mom and bruce to eat
getting sick of my one cd because it was the only cd i had (on the plus side i then realized that i had my laptop which PLAYED MUSIC!)


terrible things that happened this weekend:
cracked my touch screen on my phone... still works i just cant see what im doing... granted i havememorized a lot of it but... new phone will cost 50 bucks

Clarity...

Something that I'm not sure everyone understood, at the time and still, is that Luke was really nothing. He was cute sure and I was intense attracted to him but he was a safety, a throw away. There was this understanding. I was lonely, he was lonely and we could be together. No "love" no visions of a future wedding. Just be young and have fun. Together. Plus he was woah into me which was, frankly, addictive. I couldn't really talk to him about anything other than music seriously. So I was totally aware that it wouldn't last. But I figured I would be the one to pull the trigger. I would be the one to say "this isn't working". Finally I would have a little more balance in a relationship. I was so upset afterwards because... it didn't work out. I'd been tricked. Again. I had lost. Again. And everyone knew I had the short end of the stick. Again. I knew a lot of people thought I was seriously seriously interested in Luke. And I was embarrassed. Especially because one of those people I really respected, admired, and was into. But he was out of my league from day one and so not interested in me. Probably even into my hot friend (isn't that the way it always happens?).

But then... something happened. Something shifted. And I thought... maybe there was... a possibility? A hope that this really cute, incredibly funny, insanely intelligent, amazingly sweet person might like me back. And things happened. And because I was so so so aware that he was so so so amazing and the sting from my supposed safety fling from earlier that summer kept me from asking him exactly what was happening. Exactly how he felt about me and the whole thing and I convinced myself that it was just some drunken thing that happened. A few times. And that he probably never was into me. And suddenly he wasnt. Or maybe he was. Or maybe he just was picking up signals from me and backed off. Who knows where everything started. But it ended in awkwardness and he left. And I convinced myself that he was really just a friend and that what happened was awkward but he would come back and we could be friends again. And truly that is all I want at this point. All I could hope for. But the thing is. I saw him again. And I got butterflies. Just like that first time I realized that I was into him. Walking between him and my then-boyfriend-of-a-year and thinking to myself *shut UP andrew!* because I just wanted to be alone talking to this boy who thought my awkward hiccups were awesome because they sounded like dinosaurs. I remember even walking sideways so I could look at him and having butterflies that I had never ahd with my boyfriend and thinking what am I doing? I just realized that it's 2 years later and I still don't even know. Except for one thing. I miss my friend. The one who found me in a bathroom crying because I missed my dad and did everything he could to make me feel better. The one that I randomly telephone-rick-rolld and then talked to for like a half an hour. The one that used to come find me on the trampoline at 2 am and wait for me to finish so he could walk me back inside. And I really want to just sit down and ask him. What happened? What was your side? Did you realize when I was trying to communicate with you in my awkward indirect way? Why did you like me and why did you stop if you did at all? And this isn't just because I want to know with him but also because I want to know in general what goes on in my relationships with guys, from the other end. Cause honestly. This is sort of what happens to me repeatedly. And I just want to know what goes on for the guys and well, he is the only one I'm still on speaking terms with haha. Anyways.



Another realization I had. Or not really this new idea of OHMYGOD I NEVER REALIZED! but like wow... this is something that happens more often than I would have thought. I lie. To strangers. A lot. I have dozens of little stories. Of where I go to college, of places I have traveled, of my flings, of my experiences. They never become my friends, thank god, or else I would have a hell of a time explaining that my fiance who proposed to me right before we graduated on a trip to half moon bay in the most romantic way, isn't real. That I've never done a fashion show in the meat packing district in New York, That I am only 19 and not 20-24. That I don't go to Berkeley or Boston University. I guess it just gives me a chance to live out the life that I wish I was living. Happy and learning and busy and loved. So so loved.
I'm afraid I'm destined to be a Mad Men wife. And I'm maybe okay with that. Which scares me.

Anyways. I'm not positive what the point of all this was. But that's almost all of the thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head this week.

Woah woah woah

so im like twenty years behind right? so im uhhh gonna have a long one... sorry kids
or not depending

I made a list of things I want to be like/do when I'm older... realization. must be rich. a brief sampling :
-Have a jewelry box that my daughter sneaks into to play with the pretties
-Surprise husband with lunch randomly
-Be a member of the Junior League/Country club
-Constantly have baked goods around the house
-And because of that, exercise on a regular basis (ideally I want to be that mom who wakes up at 5 am to go for a jog, come home, shower, wake kids, make breakfast... but well... I'm working on it)
-Have cocktail parties
-Know multiple languages and travel often (this is expanded later)

I also made a list of things I dislike about myself that I can help change. It appears that everything comes back to self-esteem and being comfortable with myself. Huh...

I also made a list of places I want to go before I die:
Moscow
Paris
Nice
Monaco
Ireland
Venice
Rome
Santorini
India
Japan
Bali
Peru
Argentina
Egypt
Holland
London
Madrid
Kenya
South Africa

Like I said. I better have money
And to go with that list here are the languages I want to learn:
Fluently:
French
Spanish
Italian
Passable/Basic Knowledge of:
German
Gaelic
Hindi/Gujarati
Japanese


I also made lists of things to do before 2010 and things I want to bring with me to college for my room
which sort of led to a panic attack at work about how I wasn't going to get in anywhere and how I'm going to be stuck here forever
Basically hyperventilating and having vertigo for an hour and numb extremities... so... we just wont get into that right now.

Also I just realized I have NO clue where my phone is... balls...

I really want to visit my friend Susana right now. In Tucson. I miss her lately. It's been so long since I saw her. Sorry that was random.

My favorite things lately:
Sunny days where I lay in the grass and just be
Mad Men
That green dress I found in the boutique in Tucson *gah I want so hard and it's gone*
Save Your Skin in Rainforest
Naps at work
New stationary
When my hair is all curly
Dark red nail polish
The Golden Compass
60s clothes
Stars
Your New Twin Size Bed
Karma Police
Be Your Own Pet

And Now I'm going to go to bed rawrawraw
After one more post ha

worryworryworryworry

my applications are due november 1st. that is 24 hours away. unless it is by the end of november 1st and thus 48. but either way. time is running out
im worried
i dont think ill fit into lewis and clark
but i liked it so much
i think ill fit into ups i think i will be happy
but i wasnt excited... but maybe that was just circumstances.
i dont know what to do
what if im not happy at either place?

i got my halloween costume together
i think i was more confident of it in the store

i cant sleep and im having panic attacks
so i watch madmen and greys anatomy
they made me cry though so i dont want to watch them anymore tonight
and the office wont load
but i have to be up at like... 4-5-6 or something to curl my hair so i look good
for no one
but still

i realized i have no plans for halloween

im lonely

i measured myself tonight
bad idea
im like a good 2 inches off on my last number
no model has an ass that big
my waist is only an inch bigger than it used to be... my boobs are huge though... but thats not such a huge problem either
its that damn ass
you try buying me jeans that fit my waist hips and length that arent like 200 dollars

i need to save money

i need to write thank you notes
i need to find a new job


an affair to remember is showing at biltmore fashion square next friday. its in the park there

i would ask if someone would go see it with me
but if you read this... you are a million miles away


i really should sleep
but my stomach wont let me...

update 2

You know what I love? (this is where you all say “no what?” or “yes you love me but what else dear caitlin?”) I love when it’s 3 am and you check your email and you see you got an email from someone that you really like and youre all shaky and happy after reading it. Even if it’s a boring nothing note, just whenever they talk to you that’s how you get all breathless and excited. Okay so maybe the shakiness is more due to the fact that it’s 3 am and youre awake, which for me generally means you are FREEZING, but I never notice im cold until after ive read it and im shaking.
Oh berkeley boy... Seriously... Why do I like you so much? I barely know you but I get crazy butterflies whenever I see your name.

Oh fuck
Now the list of things to do this weekend (before my trip to berkeley to see the ladies) is rather ridiculous:
Write my philosophy paper (thank you cory for reminding me it’s due youre a saint among men)
More importantly figure out what the fuck I’m writing it on
Before Tuesday
Also figure out if I have a test/midterm/etc in mythology and study for that... Perhaps I can do that on the plane today?
Unpack
Find all of the beautiful clothes of mine that went missing in the move
Find betsy’s birthday box, repack if necessary, add to if possible
Do laundry
Meet up with my boys and jane and numerous other people that I haven’t seen in awhile
Finish applications/essays/etc.
Make my skin radiant
Figure out what to wear to this post-game-bash at eric’s (you hear that mills ladies a REAL PARTY! It’s my vote, obviously, that we go)
Repack for magical trip to see magical love of my life betsy (and maybe go on a date or two with magical berkeley boy) note, this time bring razor, it actually matters this go-round
Sleep (oh god I do miss this one, and I get the feeling it will be falling to the wayside this week... But I sleep so well when it’s in the arms of my beloved so whatever... Although I canNOTsleep through brunch Saturday, just in case they have my fucking chicken tenders... Then again if they do they probably won’t give them to me because thats just the way mills is with me it’s a love-hate-hate-hate-love-love-hate-hate-hate relationship. Love the people so very very much, hate the actual school... It’s complicated)
Go to work
Don’t spend any money unless necessary... Or it’s utterly perfect

Suggestions for any one/all of these is SO welcome

Oh fuck and write eric back (obtain number?)


Okay it’s 3am I have to be at the airport at 11, probably wake up by 9 and be gone (becky has a friend in town this weekend so we may breakfast with them, utterly unsure) and repack and shower, I would like to not fall asleep on the plane as, obviously, I have a shit-ton of work to do (oh fuck I didn’t pre-check-in... Balls) and whatever I can do in flight would help out oodles... And then I have to go home start the unpacking process, catch up with family friends, and be in bed early enough that waking up for work tomorrow won’t seem ridiculously painful. And then I have work/class until 9 get home by 930 and write my fucking paper due the next day... I would say fuck I planned badly but I enjoyed my time off... So I guess it’s one of those situations where you have to plan for your long-term mental sanity and hopefully it all works out...

But seriously... BED! Night everyone!

updte 1

I realized one of the reasons I am not so excited about willamette is that I have a friend that goes there. And well... She is very sweet and I do have fun with her but I feel so drained by her most of the time. Like... Whenever we get together all we do is talk about her love life issues, even when there aren’t any issues we talk about her past issues. And because that bothers me so much in her I’ve noticed I do this as well, but I feel like I do it more after being around her. I self-doubt and over-analyze more and because all we talk about is her I feel this need to talk about myself with everyone else. I’ve also noticed that when I’m with her I don’t make good decisions. It was never “hey do you want to go out tonight” it was “hey I want to hang out so what time are you sneaking out” even when I was tired and needed to sleep for work and class, I felt this extreme pressure to drop everything to stay out late with her. And I can tell that if I went there she would want to live with me and then my whole life would become centered around that. And I really just don’t feel like that is where I want to be. I love her dearly but... She isn’t someone I feel like it’s good for me to be around too much for too long.

And I keep thinking about UPS and I keep thinking about things I liked there. And maybe that is where I should go. I don’t know this is too damn hard, I should have been done with all of this two years ago. Fucking... Anyways

In utterly random unrelated news... Today while packing up some things and moving around, I cut my finger. Still don’t know how, I immediately noticed and looked around but could NOT find the source of the cut. It has been hurting pretty badly ever since and then tonight I pulled the extra skin that is always left after a cut, (you know, the part that whenever it hits something the whole finger hurts again as if it has just been cut again) off, and now I’ve noticed that my pinky finger is kind of numb and tingly... It’s definitely creeping me out.

So I’m no longer at LC. I went back to my aunt and uncle’s for the night. I’ll spend the night here and honestly I am a little relieved to be away from the school. Maybe that’s a sign. As happy as I was to just wander around, I noticed that I was always alone. And that just sort of got to me. I wanted to be with people again. I’m sure that would be different if I actually went there rather than just visited randomly. But whatever. Anyways so I went back to my aunt and uncle’s and we saw the movie W. Oh wow. It was really good. It makes you really think, I mean on the one hand it is so sad and true and you laugh because wow that actually occurred. But on the other hand you have to realize that wow George W. Bush is a person. Not just a figurehead. And he has life experiences and thoughts that led him to make the decisions he did. It’s so easy to just laugh like oh haha georgebushisdumb haha but like... You have to remember that he is a person jsut like each of us. And yes his decisions not the best, but like, there WERE reasons he made them.

On the other hand I could draw real parallels between georgie and these books I’ve been reading on king henry VIII and I think it’s really interesting that I see them as so similar. Both trying to prove themselves and separate themselves from their father’s and their brother’s legacies. Both so unsure and flippant about their decisions but also trying so hard to remember that there are actual people on the line. Both so sure that their country is the best and that the decisions they are making are for the best. I don’t know it was so interesting. The last scene was really really intense. I don’t think everyone who watches it gets it but I feel like that was the culmination of everything. The moment where he finally GETS it. As my uncle put it, because of that moment, it felt like a greek tragedy. Unfortunately it was real. It happened. I don’t know if this is quite everything I feel or phrased the way I wish it was because, quite frankly, it’s late and I’m too lazy to re-read and edit this. So uhh... Hope that made sense and if there is some grievous error I do apologize for it.

Also fuck no wi-fi.

College Visits Part Four: Lewis and Clark Actual

So I’ve wandered around campus, sat in on a class, took my tour, and gone to the room of the girl I’m staying with. So far I am really liking campus. The professor was a newbie but what he had to say about discussion and the things he has discovered about the way classes generally flow here really really appeals to me. It sounds like discussions etc. Are just how I like them. Student driven and open ended, not so politicized.

The person I am staying with I found on facebook and she’s nice but... She’s an RA on the sub-free floor, if that tells you anything. She’s just very... Idk how to explain it. Like the kind of girl who would be an RA on a sub-free floor. Like the kind of girl who wears the hiking boot tennis shoes and says things like “celebrate my yoga mats”. And none of that is wrong it’s just, very much descriptive for me about what she is like. But she is very chill about everything too, she tried to get me my own key for the door (fail but... She tried) and she was like you can go and come whenever you want, my door is unlocked all the time,and while this is a sub-free dorm... Just don’t come back totally drunk and obvious about it, and if you are spending the night elsewhere, just give me a text so I don’t worry.
Anyways so this is the next day. I saw T2 last night, he goes here, and no awkwardness which was nice... Unfortunately he was still very dapper and sweet and funny and I gave him like twelve hugs... Ha Anyways. Just sort of hanging out on campus. In one of the like cafe areas. I may go sit in on a class later. Actually my host told me that it was mandatory to visit her indian philosophy class if I was staying with her so... I guess I WILL be going to that one... Anyways this is such a cool place to just people watch. And this is for my betsy... The boys here where plaid like 24/7 its incredible... I don’t know how I’m functioning to my left there are 3 boys in plaid and two to my right. It’s ridiculous. And they are all really attractive. Although honestly it could just be that I know they are really intelligent to be here you know? Like I just know if I went up and talked to any of them I could have a really good intense conversation with them. That plus the plaid and... Well I’m sold.
So last night as I was falling asleep I sort of had a panic attack of... What if I’m not hippie or cool enough. I mean hear I am wandering around campus in a white sweater and red heels and pearls and red lipstick. That is SO not lewis and clark style. But whatever. As betsy mentioned, it won’t be long until I’m wandering around in my standard robot man pants oversized sweatshirts and not going to class so... Who cares. Ha this group to my left is talking and I keep catching snippets of it “Mr. Miyagi from the karate kid” and “Humphrey Bogart was really intriguing” and I really want to know if they are studying for a class or just discussing movies. And how those two came up together in that discussion. Anyways my computer is dying so I think I’m going to go wander back to her room the long way and hope that someone will let me in the building. Still have only ran into two people I know here. So perhaps I will run into more later today. Anyways. Have a lovely lovely day everyone.

College Visits Part Three: Lewis and Clark Preliminary

So I just finished my interview, haven’t gotten to the tour or anything else but so far I am LOVING it here. It still reminds me of mills but in a very good way that I don’t mind. The couple of people I asked for directions were extremely friendly and nice. The dean of admissions is so sweet and intelligent and funny. I’m really excited for this. I feel like the interview went incredibly well and that I really left a great impression. So that is good news. It is also so beautiful here and I mean it is in Portland which is not only like 10 miles from my aunt and uncle but also is SUCH a cool city.
I called my mom to tell her how I felt so far, and she told me that my sister has decided to pay for my Berkeley application fee, and my mom will pay for my Lewis and Clark one since those are my top two schools, and the places each of them think I will be happiest at. Also as I may have mentioned, LC boys are CUTE! But then again they are CLABs so... It is to be expected.

College Trip 2008: A Brief Intermission

So today I traveled around Portland with my Uncle and can I just say I love it so much. We just went around this little area full of coffee shops and little boutiques. Things were really expensive but the houses and buildings there are so beautiful. I sort of found my ideal apartment too, well at least from the outside. It has a little porch area that is a fire escape and all wrought iron and pretty. On the top floor there was a bunch of potted flowers and it just seemed so picturesque and breakfast at tiffany’s. It was incredible. My uncle says that the housing in the northwest is more affordable than you would expect and that living there in general isn’t as expensive as san fran, but then again what is?
My aunt is now 8 months pregnant, although she barely has a baby bump she’s so tiny and adorable I love her. Anyways little baby boy Rowan Brady (how adorable is that name) is due in 5 weeks! My uncle also told me that he is in the national guard and that he is going to boot camp and possibly iraq (which is not only extremely scary for everyone but also so odd because he’s such a little hippie it’s unexpected) anyways, if I end up in Portland he wanted to know if I would be able to come help Becky with Rowan when he comes because they don’t have a lot of family and she’s going to be very nervous with him gone. I said of COURSE I would.
I also had some of the best yogurt/milk/ice cream ever. Tillamook is now like my favorite ever.

College Visits Part Two: University of Puget Sound

So I mean it’s a great school. Friendly people, good food (you all know how important that is to me), good radio station, beautiful campus, nice professors and all of that, but I just wasn’t feeling it. Not sure why I’m just not feeling connected, there. I could definitely work there though and I’m even pretty excited about some of the things they offer there but... There really is no spark to make me feel like I should go there. I kept waiting for something mroe to push me over the edge from my uncertainty. I mean like I said it has everything I like in a school and find important but... I don’t know why I am hesitating. Okay there are a few things I don’t like, tile floors in the dorm rooms, small computer labs, but as you can see none of them are deal breakers. I sort of feel alternately that it’s JUST like mills, and that it is just a little picturesque “college” typical experience. I mean I can totally see where I would fit in if I went there, hang out in the cellar all the time, constantly listening to the radio station, work with alumni relations, maybe rush a sorority, if not live in one of the theme houses, graduate with some sort of English degree/Communications minor. It’s so odd. I think the Mills feel just came from having stayed in an all girls dorm (the only one on campus) and having the big event of the night being Gossip Girl in the basement. I mean that was totally fun and everything BUT it just reminded me so much of Mills. I know that it is different from Mills overall and in so many ways it is so radically different, but it’s hard because I did just get that overwhelming feeling.

So my visit went something like, get picked up by the prospy from willamette, get lost like twelve times on the way to UPS get dropped off say goodbye to prospy and then go to dinner blah blah (my host was pretty chill cool friends I enjoyed hanging out with them) went to watch gossip girl, hung out in her room while she did some homework, went to one of the co-ed dorms to hang out with her guy friends, back to the room and to bed. Next morning was breakfast, tour (the tour guide didn’t know like anything, and she barely talked to me she only talked to the other student really) this literature class with a really interesting professor, and my interview which I think went pretty smashing overall. Then grabbed a pizza from the cellar and went to the taxi to take to the cab (prospy was in school oh god... He was like an underage coked out kid and I made out with him... You know what we won’t think about that) and the movie on the ride back to portland is WALLE! But... I don’t have my headphones... So sad.... Left them with kirin... :(

Anyways heading back down to Portland gonna hang out with my aunt and uncle tomorrow/tonight. Going to Lewis and Clark on Thursday and we’ll see how it goes from there.

PS guys input on these schools is SO welcome and SO needed

College Visits Part One: Willamette

What an adventure. So I came to visit my friend Kirin at Willamette and check it out for my possible transfer. So I got there and walked to her dorm from the bus station (oh by the way GREAT bus ride like 12 cute guys, a lot from Lewis and Clark... Hmmm all sitting around me. But I just sort of slept the whole way there. Meh whatever.) So I walk to Kirin’s dorm and kind of hang out there and then grab some tea and go to my tour and interview. Can I just say that so far I LOVE oregon. It’s so beautiful and it just is so huge and open. Salem seems kind of lame but... Portland is only an hour away. The school is really nice I like the way they approach education with their whole “required” areas and not having to declare by a certain point. Everyone is really nice and the campus is just small and cosy. (cozy? Cosy? Whatever) but the total school is like double the size of mills so I could still like meet new people. Idk it just seems cute and like I would like it. But I haven’t really seen a whole lot of other schools so...
Anyways that night we were going to dinner standing in the middle of this campus road that isn’t really a road. And we hear sirens and tires squealing and this guy who is running from the cops starts driving recklessly down the road... Right at us, no signs of stopping, we jumped out of the way and he like drives and jumps out of the car and goes running. We think he tried to stop the car but just like... Neutral dropped it or something because the car kept going... Straight into the campus river. The cops later found him and everything, turns out he was wanted for bank fraud, and he was already on probation for vehicular manslaughter. Nice job guy. So that was kind of the event of the night. Everyone was like omg. Apparently some people are planning on reenacting it that day next year because “nothing ever happens here”. So that was sort of the evening. We did play sardines in one of the buildings (they have access to all buildings on campus, 24/7 so that is really cool) and then hung out with some of kirins friends and another prospy, but this time a normal one. Let’s just say the way he introduced himself was by walking into kirin’s friends room announcing he had jumped off the roof saying that “those shrooms really fucked with me” and then trying to figure out how many people were in the room... 3. He ended up being very cool and intelligent though once we started talking to him.
So then last night, day 2 at willamette, was a fucking ridiculous night. Like most ridiculous night of my life. We went to this frat party (oh that’s the other thing at willamette all of the frat’s and sororities are dry... Like actually dry not just pretending to be dry) and it was a black out party so we got all highlightered up and dressed in white and it was awesome. It was PACKED we had to wait an hour in line because of the fire code. DJ was pretty good, he played like techno and rap and like old school journey all night. Great time. I danced with an Olympian. Nick Symmonds. It was pretty cool. And then I was dancing with this other guy. Pretty sure his name was Jose. He’s from Argentina. And we ended up making out and I kept thinking... Oh great I’m the girl making out with a guy in front of everyone at a dance party, it was rather awkkward (yes two k’s awkward) and I kept trying to break it off to like go to the bathroom, find water, find my friends, find my purse, leave, whatever. And he kept trying to convince me to go back to his house with him. So then when the party was over we headed back to Kirin’s dorm and hung out with the two guys from the night before. (Note, up until this point TOTALLY sober) And then one of them sort of mentioned that he had bought us two bottles of wine. Well one of them was a double. Pretty sure I drank about a bottle and a half of wine. Within an hour. It was ridiculous and I got pretty fucking drunk. As you might guess. It was just really tasty and I didnt realize it until Kirin was like “hey can I have some more, JESUS CAITLIN DID YOU DRINK ALL OF THIS?!” So that was fun. And we hung out and played ping pong and I tried to talk about life but the sober people laughed at me. The drunk people thought it was really deep and profound and it was fun. People kept coming and going but it kind of stayed with me and kirin her friend and the prospy. (prospy? Prospie? Whatever). So then we ended up in the guy’s room and kirin and I were laying with prospy on the floor and cuddling and then I’m not sure when but kirin left to go to her room, and then I was sort of making out with prospy, and then he had to go to his train and he walked me back to kirins room and told me I should call him when I’m in tacoma tomorrow to visit UPS.

Now here is the thing. One I have the biggest hickey Kirin and I have ever seen. She thinks it looks like a rash. Still not sure which one (maybe both?) gave it to me. Jesus.
Two. Jose saw me the next morning and since I had given him the excuse that I had to leave really early that day and it was like 1 in the afternoon I had to make up some shit fast. (train delayed? Sure why not).
Three. Prospy uhm... Didn’t just doshrooms I don’t think. When I had walked into their room earlier that night I had seen a line in front of him and a rolled up dollar bill. His school ID was what he was using to cut the line... So I’m sort of like wow... I made out with a coked up underage kid on a college visit. He gave me the largest known hickey on the face of the earth.
Four. I have NEVER made out with a guy I didn’t know very well. I have only kissed 3 guys. And then in two nights I make out with two guys I don’t know, just met, and don’t know their names well enough to find them on facebook. (jose found me this morning though... And yes that is his name *phew*)

Anyways at the train station and my train is coming soon, like 2 minutes soon. God I’m tired and I want to sleep but it’s only an hour train ride so I’m not sure I should. Wouldn’t that be great Wake up in Seattle.
So not sure if that night was a sign I SHOULD go there, or that I should just stay the fuck away. On another really cute note about willamette there is a story that if you have your first kiss under the star trees (5 giant redwood trees that when you stand under them make a star in the sky) you will marry that person. Also apparently 70% of willamette students marry other students from the school. And from what I’ve heard it’s not a hook up school, like... People tend to just date there. (my two experiences are just an anomaly both for myself and the school, but neither go there. One was exchange student and one was a prospy so... Maybe that’s why?)


oh also JUST remembered I also helped steal a couch last night and smoked a cigarette. it was boring and tasted weird.

also...

i sincerely resent using up valuable ipod room simply to put things on there that "should be on there"


i dont want the bob dylan on my ipod

i want spice girls and katy perry and stupid shit

but i have to add the bob dylan and other stuff that while yes i like it and yes i have it, id rather just keep it on my comp and not my ipods valuable room... but people dont browse your itunes and judge you, they browse your ipod and judge you so your ipod has to be all balanced and just GRR


also fuck i have a school interview on friday... fuck... i packed comfy clothes for the trip, not interview clothes... shit shit shit repack


i give up guys... like seriously whats the point?

excuse me while i be very shallow and self absorbed

i am 19 now
the negative:
i also weigh more than 45 pounds more than i did at the beginning of the summer
not that that's a bad thing... i was like 20 pounds too light at the beginning of the summer

but now im a size 8-10... officially... at multiple stores


ive never been more than a 4 in my life

my job is ending soon
i dont have a replacement in sight

im terribly depressed and my throat constantly hurts in that way that it does when you dont let yourself cry

i have no idea if or when or where im going back to school

there is a boy.. but that is so beyond hopeless... as always right?

im broke
and i found a way to go about things so that i would still be able to go to san francisco
and my mom gave me this whole talk about how i have to learn to be happy where i am and i cant always be flitting off wherever the fuck i want and i was like well yeah but its a question of friends or family i cant just do one and shes like well i did ive gone three years without seeing any of MY friends
ignoring the fact that she never really did like her friends... she was always complaining that they were calling her or wanting to hang out... and ignoring that i am not the largest fan of my family at the moment either...

so basically to make it as concise as possible right now i feel:
fat
lonely
lazy
stupid
ugly
unlovable
forgotten
pointless

and no this isnt me trying to get you guys to be like "nuh-uh caitlin you are so thin!" or "omg i love you! i miss you!"

because yes i am thin by some standards but not my standards... you think of me as thin because that is what i have been the entire time you have known me this whole summer i have eaten jack in the box almost every day and not much other than fast foods i dont exercise i do nothing this is not healthy caitlin... and knowing my family genes this is going to lead down a very bad path

yes im not "fat" but im not healthy either and there is no word for that in between


ill do the positives later im just going to go finish packing for my trip up to portland and then watch some garbage tv curl up and cry myself to sleep as i have done almost every night since i moved here


november is going to be a bitch

overs and unders

i am over (as in doing too much of these things):
thinking
analyzing
projecting
hoping
worrying
planning
missing people
watching tv

i am under (as in not doing these enough):
acting on plans
hoping
laughing
prepared
slept


i am over (as in done with these things... or trying to be):
my job
guys
people in general
this whole mess with my house and if its mine or not



decisions i have made after realizing these things:
the house is mine, until my sister moves in... and then... it's like i sold or rented it. so... when she moves out eventually... that's what i will do. no more clinging to these things anymore
i will sell the washer/dryer/couch/tv/recliners/dining room sets and put the money in a cd or something for college etc
i will keep the car and learn how to drive a damn stick shift
i dropped my early am. lit class
im going to try to get a job at barnes and noble or borders or something... something where i am a little bit happier...
im going on an anti guy binge... wlel not ANTI guy just.. no romanticalness until next semester. thats it. the end. because i keep fluxing things up. and i really need more perspective. and while i havent been swimming in guys, ive been thinking about them and pursueing them, even if they are unaware or uninterested. and really i just need to stop
im applying to berkeley... its one of the few places where i can walk around by myself and just be and not worry about other people or be lonely...


ok sleep time now, i have work at 830 so i wake up at 730/8 and its nearly 3 and i have class too tomorrow... bleh

not quite a real post yet

i know guys i know
i'm working on it... but i have to be up for work in... mmm 5 and a half hours and i have class, work, and pilates tomorrow so i should be more rested... i just had to tell you... i think i'm on the verge of some grand understanding... like about my life and the relationships, friend familial and romantic, i have with people... im not sure its a happy one or even an overall truth, but it's something i'm thinking is coming from some past experiences, some current experiences, and where i currently see my life going... of course things change, positions change, and life changes, so hopefully this understanding im about to stumble upon will be something that is only true for awhile and after a time that truth changes... if that makes any sense.... uhh please let philosophy tomorrow clear up some of my thoughts that and perhaps a midday skinny dip in the shared pool in our courtyard... orrrr not... damn i want to go for a swim... but... im not positive where my swimsuit is... so im like meh skinny dip right? except... i dont want to be in cold waters.. i get cold easily in the pool... and... i dont want anyone to see... and in a communal pool, with the possibility of small children... ehhh not so much during the daytime you know? granted i dont know if anyone else actually uses the pool but with my luck...


now to share SOMETHNG
i've been in a shakespeare mood... and the other day at mama java's i found an old book of sonnets and i found two of my favorites which spurred me to find a whole bunch today in an "i need literature" mood

so first here is the line from the sonnet I like best... the rest of the sonnet is good but... the first line just captured me
"Like as the water make towards the pebbled shore/ so do our minutes hasten to their end"

SONNET 130
My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask'd, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

Sonnet 50
How heavy do I journey on the way,
When what I seek, my weary travel's end,
Doth teach that ease and that repose to say
'Thus far the miles are measured from thy friend!'
The beast that bears me, tired with my woe,
Plods dully on, to bear that weight in me,
As if by some instinct the wretch did know
His rider loved not speed, being made from thee:
The bloody spur cannot provoke him on
That sometimes anger thrusts into his hide;
Which heavily he answers with a groan,
More sharp to me than spurring to his side;
For that same groan doth put this in my mind;
My grief lies onward and my joy behind.
(that was the very first sonnet i ever read. We had a book of them in my house and when I was little I sat down and leafed through and this one caught my eye so I read it. And the way it was described and the language and the cadence was amazing.)

and of course
SONNET 40
Take all my loves, my love, yea, take them all;
What hast thou then more than thou hadst before?
No love, my love, that thou mayst true love call;
All mine was thine before thou hadst this more.
Then if for my love thou my love receivest,
I cannot blame thee for my love thou usest;
But yet be blamed, if thou thyself deceivest
By wilful taste of what thyself refusest.
I do forgive thy robbery, gentle thief,
Although thou steal thee all my poverty;
And yet, love knows, it is a greater grief
To bear love's wrong than hate's known injury.
Lascivious grace, in whom all ill well shows,
Kill me with spites; yet we must not be foes.


and speaking of that huge self revelation it's happening as we speak... my next post (before i leave for cali i PROMISE) will be number 25 and will have all my updates and stories and self revelations up to this point... at least all of them that i can remember then...

oh... and by the way
happy birthday daddy

reasons why i havent updated lately

friday night up drinking and frolicking in my underwear until like 7am and then sleeping in this really awkward sitch that i so dont want to get into right now for like... 5 hours and going home

saturday night up until 5 am talking to m... slept until 4pm the next day

sunday night up until 3 am because g was getting felt up by one of my guy friends who is taken and was my ride so i couldnt go home until they were done again awkward sitch... work at 8 the next day

monday night out until 3 am because it was g's goodbye party... work at 8 the next day

tuesday night g's actual last night out until 1 am and then home and doing stuff until 230am... work at 8 again

last night out with m until 2-3 am and then talked with b online until 4 am and then getting ready for bed until 430 work still at 8




fuck my life
and mills


and the po-lice

oh and i started classes this week too

things to update on:
my latest like philosophical thoughts cause i know ya'll really care
b and my visit to hell soon to save her!
the really awkward sitch and how T2 is leaving and how i really don't know what to do right now
college indifferences
my awesome professors
the terrible day that i started sobbing
oh and my need for a roommate cause i may get the house to myself if i can find one... otherwise i move out and move with my mom to like... way the fuck across town

but im not going into all that now... next time kiddies
sorry

i wish my mom liked me as a person... when i suggested this to her she said "how could i?"

i wish i wasnt always the odd one out
i wish i knew what the hell to do to deal with all of this




i wish i was happy or good or smart or something




i wish i could have been the daughter he deserved

Disappointing with a dash of Tres confused

So there were all these grand plans for this weekend. A huge goodbye party at the german place with the funk band. So we got all of us in, with a 20 buck tip/bribe from me to the band and my promise to buy several rounds of sodas... which i did, which no one drank... so like 30 bucks of tip/bribes/drinks to make sure that a couple of the guys could get in...

less than an hour later EVERYONE left... INCLUDING the people i did so much to get in... leaving me there... alone... with a buncho f drunk middle aged guys hitting on me. G had run to drop someone off or pick someone up or something and when she heard what happened she turned around and picked me up and took me to some party with a bunch of people i didnt know where i drank half a beer and somehow ended up feeling rather tipsy... it was no fun at all...

and then last night we went to pita house where i discovered that apparently im the girlfriend of one of the waiters and one of the owners... haha that was fun but a certain guy friend of mine was being super whiny all night and i didnt want to deal with him. BUT i hung out with T1! which i havent done in like five bajillion years right? so that was cool and then we went home and then certain guy friends of mine came and picked me up to hang out... which endedup being us... parked in aparking lot them talking to a bunch of stoned like sophomores in high school that i didn't know and then deciding it was 11 they were going home

and as for the tres confused
im trying really hard to reign in my position on a very specific boy... we'll probably just be friends, probably won't hang out with him much more this summer or during the year, i probably wont end up in the northwest near enough to hang out with him very often when i apply to my colleges, but whatever...
the thing is though... no matter how much im trying to make myself think that way... the thing is... i still like him... i always have... he's just... so funny and smart and has such an interesting way of looking at things... and on top of that like everyone i know agrees, he's adorable! and he's warm and a good cuddler and so so sweet. he's such a nice guy... and he's crazy talented with art, and he has incredible taste in music and movies.... and it's just so hard to talk myself into the just friends place since, honestly, i've never thought of him as a just just friends... it was always a just friend because he didn't like me or a just friend because it would be too complicated... htere was always a but or a because...

andthis sucks so sos so much... but whatever its more important to stay friends because i mean... the friends part is just so so important... like fuck im not even making sense anymore
i give up


also...im sick boo

Rooftop Confessionals

So G and I hung out tonight. We met up with a couple friends and went to this local coffee shops open mic night. very cool... good music and all that... she ran into her lesbian crush... they flirted... i was sort of third wheeled but whatev it was fine...

and then she and i drove around... and she texted her lesbian crush and we overanalyzed and ate gelato together... and then T2 called us and we went to G's house to lay on her roof and hang out... at first it was awkward but then it was just really comfortable and a very good conversation that revealed a lot about his and my situation... apparently he DOESNT hook up with girls much... he's done it like twice... he tends to psych himself out of relationships due to self esteem issues (hmm familiar much?) and just like a lot of other things that make me feel a lot more certain... and i talked about some of my stuff too and G talked too so it wasnt just like one person talking a lot it was like a group rooftop confessional and was SO cool and nice and comforting... anyways we ended up staying up there until 230 and then were like shit we should go
and i was "officially" out, as in i had the car and couldnt sneak back in so my mom called me like wtf caitlin where ARE you? and i was like im sorry we fell asleep and shes like WHERE? and im like kirins roof we were watching the meteor shower, which we did, and she was like GET HOME NOW RARARARARAWR! and i was like CHILL OUT! but didnt say that basically was just like ill be home soon and she told me im not allowed to be out late on weeknights anymore and im like thats cool window!

but then we climbed back downt he tree and T2 helped me and G down and we walked out to our cars and T2 said he wants to hang out again soon and like maybe we should find new hookah places to go together and like that he will find pre 10pm hang outs so i dont get in trouble and i was like meh whatev ill sneak out i have a window and he's like i figured but i thought i would offer the choice so that was nice and any awkwardness, whether or not it was just me assuming it was there or him actually being awkward, seems to have disappeared

except! fucking... he went out to the desert to watch the meteor shower last night... WITHOUT ME and i was like FUCKING FUCK FUCK YOU! but whatev... he made up for it tonight im willing to say... and like now with everything having been said i feel so much more positive about what happened, and like it's really possible to be friends from now on, and if we hook up again im okay with that too but i understand his reasons and thoughts if we dont. and i think he is in the same place like... if it happens we both understand what the other persons thoughts on the matter are and if it doesnt we are both okay with what did happen and agree to be friends so its like really nice and comforting... i didnt lose my great guy friend and doomsday conversationalist :D

anyways its 3am i need to wake up for work in 4 hours... to sleep or read? hmm ill probably read and nap for a bit and freak out when my alarm goes off ha

good thing i have my outfit planned
ps someone remind me on facebook to upload pictures cause i just went through my camera and there are some CRAZY old pics on it

night everyone :D

fuck...

my life
fucking boys ruining everything, not just for me but for like all my friends too
fucking everyone going to college and me staying here... my life on pause as always fucking doing nothing and feeling so lost and everyone else just moving along without me and whatever
fuck my package getting lost in the mail
fuck everyone who keeps ignoring me
fuck being unable to go out alone without seeming weird/desperate/a loser
fuck my phone falling apart and having to get a new one

im so fucking done with everything
seriously
if it wasnt such a hassle and caused so many problems...
i would seriously consider ceasing to exist
ugh can i just go to sleep and wake up when the universe decides it doesnt enjoy making me get my hopes up that life is good and then making it total shit?
that'd be great too bad that probably won't ever happen



and fuck the fact that everyone will probably see this as caitlin trying to get attention as always


im sick of people so much i don't even want to get into it

wow

so tonight
I sat around until like 10 just talking with my mom's boyfriend... about life, and drinking, and how society is going to self destruct and his plan for when it happens and it was just incredible... he said he would teach me a game like yahtzee where when you do well you take hits and when you do bad you drink... he wants me to teach my friends hahaha

then my double M's (two guy friends who live together, both starting with M, one is bi and he's like a really good buddy of mine, and the other one is straight and has sort of started acting a little ass hole ish but whatev nbd still love them to death and bits) and a couple of their friends and i went to hookah... which was good! Our Muhammed who does our coals came back and we got good service again which was INCREDIBLE... and then I got a call that the German Sausage Factory Co. right by my house was having a disco night... and i was like uhm? but we went because ive been dying to dance

turns out it's sort of a restaurant bar place and they had a live band playing and it was just awesome... i danced like the whole time, they did covers of some 70s songs and some more modern songs like beyonce and umbrella and it was just so awesome... well okay so there i was surrounded by like 8 guys... because the other girls that invited us left for awhile... anyways so i was sort of like DAMN
BUT at the end this GORGEOUS guy, tall enough that when i was barefoot my head came to his shoulders (yeah WOW) started talking to me, he was really chill and it was his brother's birthday... his brother was SMASHED and dancing so intense it was amazing... and then they had a third friend who kept trying to make them leave... and the really hot guy who started dancing with me and stuff had been looking really bored before so... but then his friend was like lets GO and he was like mehhhh and his brother kept wanting to dance but the friend eventually dragged them both away... no number... :( but he wasn't from around here... I think he said Savannah, not sure, it was loud... but DAMN that was a good night... I plan on going back... minus several of those guys... plus way more girls who will stay out late with me haha anyways I'm going shopping with Mere again tomorrow, and then tomorrow night anna and tim and micah and i and mere (hopefully) will all go out again together... my vote is to see what's going on at the sausage place ha

my legs are KILLING me and I'm all post-sweaty sticky and my ears are STILL ringing and you know what? I had the best time I've had in awhile. :D

the day of almosts

I almost got hit on by like 3 guys today.
I almost got to have dinner at ra with a friend.
I almost met up with T2.
I almost got my arm twisted by the guy at sephora until I bought a 25 dollar foundation.
I almost didn't get cute clothes/shoes.

Instead. The guys all started to hit on me and did little half hearted "later" comments. All of them were at work and made references to "the next time" I came in. Still unsure if I was actually getting hit on or if they were trying to get me to keep coming to them at their store, and thus they would get their commissions... hmmm...
Instead my friends all disappeared, slash one had a birthday dinner for her sister so I ate at Ra by myself.... mmmm chicken Katsura... thank you J for introducing me.
Instead, he didnt get my text for an hour... I guess it's gonna happen tomorrow. Basically I have to pick up my handle of vodka from his house. But I also plan on stealing some of his music and maybe smoking with him. He is unaware of this but... ha... seriously though I havent hung out with him like serious hang out in forever... whatever
Instead, I redirected the scary mans attention and ran out the back exit of the store. I'm sorry but 25 bucks for a foundation just isnt quite righttt...
Instead, I bought a really cute white v-neck sweater that looks STUNNING on me, a pair of black pin stripe pants, and my red patent leather shoes.

I need to stop:
spending money
overanalyzing everything
putting off cleaning my room


ALSO i read breaking dawn... don't worry this will have NO SPOILERS
i enjoyed it but i was very surprised by a couple of things, simply because I didn't realize they were possible. then i went back and re-read the author's correspondence and realized I misunderstood. oh well... if you want to discuss email me...

i gave in

and bought the damn green nikita set from AP

it went on sale

like half off

i still spent 100 dollars and didnt get the suspender belt it wasn't in my size... But as soon as it gets in I'm ordering it.

it will look amazing on me and make me feel amazing...

I also had it gift wrapped and sent with a note about how amazing i am... signed "yourself"... haha it will probably come on the perfect day for a mood lift right?

anyways

pilates keeps kicking my ass but whatever

i donated to obama today... and hope i get that plane ticket to see him at the dnc...

last night was awkward... i really dont even want to go into it right now... but it basically involved this random girl making me feel like crap... and staying out all night as always haha

G leaves tomorrow... and then J and his sister the next day... and im like fuccccck me who am i going to hang out with? like everyone is on vacation... T1 just got back but... i am not sure he wants to hang out with me much lately... idk its odd... whatever... and T2... it's still a little awkward but i have to meet up with him this weekend to get my alcohol from him... so maybe we can hang out? meh whatever

DUDE! pineapple express comes out next wednesday i wanna gooooo... i need to find a group that will be amazing to go see that with... and maybe smoke a little before? that could make it all the better haha...

OH and how could i NOT mention breaking dawn? tomorrow night? so eeexxxxcccciiiitttteeeddddd cant wait... im staying up until i finish it... i dont care

oh and just had this excellent convo with my friend from missouri about what i just bought from AP
me: well... ouvert is definently more than just a normal pair of panties with like seethrough
ouvert... open
her: lol yea
me: ha... guess who just figured that one out... haha oh well
it'll come in handy at some point...
her: hahaha
me: maybe not for awhile but...
hey be prepared right?
i was a girlscout
her: hahahahahahahah

im a rather entertaining person at times...

oh and speaking of i got 25 page impressions today and 10 ad clicks... so either B was busy or i have a bunch of people randomly reading my stuff now? haha probably the first but on the off chance... either way thank you
anyways im going to go take a bath and go to bed early in preparation for tomorrows all nighter... FUCK YES BD!

edit: its 1147 and im going to bed now... i fail... oh well it isnt 2am or later/earlier

late nights and lists

so i came home early from work today. I felt sick to my stomach. It was terrible. On top of being crazy sore from Pilates and trying to teach myself belly dancing I felt like I was going to throw up. Hooray life. And no it wasnt a hang over... It didn't hit until I had been up for a few hours. And I wasnt feeling so hot last night after dinner either. anyways... I am doing another half day tomorrow, taking off early and J is driving with me to get signed up for classes. He says they have incredible literature classes online and also recommends this great philosophy professor. Apparently the guy is super amazing, plus writes killer recc letters. Plus I've always been interested in philosophy. Tried to take it last semester but due to several things, the teacher creeping me out like you wouldnt believe, the class happened during perfect napping time, and I was too depressed to get out of bed at all most days... I ended up dropping it. 

Anyways so thats on my to do list for tomorrow as well as baking and trying once more to get my life in order. ha i know right?

But in the spirit of that I couldnt sleep... So I started making lists. Things I need to do, this week, this month, and this semester. From stupidly simple things like laundry and dry cleaning, making sure I talk to a good friend of mine who for some unknown reason is up in Minnesota at college, BOO! but i love her to bits and pieces anyways and I really am in need of talking to her... I miss her voice, and I've been dealing with dad stuff, which she totally gets, and I need advice on colleges... Anyways, from silly things like that to like... try to save 3k this semester, make sure you call mills and tell them you arent coming back, do a little bit of research on a few different topics... that sort of thing. I also have lists of things I need to buy... groceries, clothes, (I need a new winter coat... especially if I end up in the NW as it appears I will, of course I did just find out about Rice which is in Texas... *cough* B! *cough*) and silly other things like a new blow dryer, some new stationary, breaking dawn (Midnight party friday YES!), and remembering to donate to Obama before the month is out. 

And then I did all that and still wasn't sleepy so I wrote a blog... cause that totally makes sense. Anyways, Don't forget to click the ads to the sides guys... It gives me money, and for those of you I'm visiting this semester I'm going to need money to do that. And it's like 30 cents for each click... I figure I might finally have a hundred dollars by next year. Haha... Unless I magically become famous for being so crazily witty and interesting... ha right... But I figure between this little random free income, and ChaCha's nice little income... It ought to at least help me out enough to count right?

i also finished the last lecture book by randy pausch. again. I still cry. I still think everyone should read it. NOW!

okay and here is my all important list of things I want to do regularly from now on. I decided to post it in it's entirety to help me feel more committed to it. 

-ChaCha for at least 3 hours every week

-Blow dry hair/do make up once or twice a week (So as not to hit the rut I did at Mills, if I make myself try to look nice, I feel better about myself, more purposeful)

-Dry cleaning once a month. (Now that I'm working I need to, plus support small business right?)

-Work on weeding out clothes and books for donation and/or reselling

-Make dinner and dessert for the family at least twice a month

-Try to get a haircut every couple of months

-Tackle one part of my room, cleaning/reorganizing, every two weeks. Working in zones will help keep me from getting overwhelmed. 

-Keep up on my classwork... (Never used to be a problem... and then Mills hit me. If I'm going to a real college next semester, I can't let that happen. I have to go to classes, pay attention, and do the assignments, well and on time.)

-Call up one of my mentors for brunch once a month. Hopefully, more than once a month but... (And to start this off I'm calling Dr. Retts and Mrs. Ryan tomorrow to see when they are free... Maybe even Dr. Holland or Ms. Mayorga. The last two were high school teachers that inspire me and keep me motivated and interested in literature, not that that is hard. The first is a contact from my first college that is crazy cool. She's sort of rich ex-hippie socialite. She knew Cat Stevens and offered to lend me one of her GORGEOUS vintage dresses. just because she thought it would look good on me. and Mrs. Ryan was my high school counselor and because of all the shit I went through senior year we became really good friends and I would often spend mornings in her office drinking tea and eating granola bars and discussing my life. She was amazing, and I couldn't have made it through that year without her.)

-Keep going to Pilates, maybe join a gym. Basically, STAY IN SHAPE!

-Read one classic a month. I've committed to this before and always enjoyed it and then somehow always stopped for some unknown reason.

-Keep journaling. Whether it is blogging or whatever, I feel like it makes me a little less crazy and scattered. It makes me more focused and less annoying to others. Or at least that is what I hope. 

-Participate in one medium-large RAK a month. They make you feel better plus... why not? Karma right?

-Participate in one good discussion a month. Keep the brain working well. Shouldn't be hard with a few other goals I've set myself but... 

-Spend one weekend a month out... visiting people most likely. I have to do a trip to Mills in the next month, would like to hit up Pittsburgh/NY/NJ to see a few *very* select members of my family at some point... november sounds nice (randy pausch day in pittsburgh, and it would help me with my dad's two year) but i really was hoping for september because a) it's sooner, and b) I'm doing this partially as a birthday present for my aunt... then again it could be a half birthday present if i went in november for my dear beloved cousin... plus I need to get up to Portland area in October to look at my colleges... Plus I want to go to San Diego/Santa Barbara to visit some college friends at SOME point before we both go mad. So these trips will help me keep in touch, research colleges, and give my mom and step dad some time away from me, and me from them phew!

-Take care of myself. Like... drink enough water... take my vitamins... try to eat fruit again that sort of thing that i ALWAYS neglect.

so good luck to me... anyone else have any resolutions for the next school year/life/whatever

how much alcohol is in a half a small glass of malibu?

haha oh dear... so G called me up tonight and was like "i have to stay up late lets go hang out" so we did. and we ended up in Chandler hanging out at the apartment of one of J's friends. It was pretty fun with a dash of awkward. J is totally into G but up for being just friends. I drank... more than I probably should. One small glass of wine and this glass that had like half full of malibu... straight... so i added doctor pepper and it tasted like sun tan lotion... and we played truth or dare and never have i ever, one game normal and one game personal attacks... and J and his sister and a few other people there all found out that T2 and I had hooked up. And they were all like "omg really? was it good? high five!" and i was like "yeah but i think its kind of done" and they were like "bummer" and i was like i know... but as long as were still friends im totally good... which i am

and J and T2 are like good friends so thats good that like J knows that T2 and I hooked up and while I would enjoy it being more than a random hook up whenever, I'm cool with it going back to us just being friends. cause then he wil tell T2, probably not but one may hope, and things can go back to being normal... and i sort of cuddled.. and i played with puppies... and it was loverly

and we discussed relationships and I mentioned my revelation about all the guys I go after having had other girls interested/involved with them... and he made an excellent point which made me feel like not a whore "If any guy is worth it, there is bound to be a little competition"

anyways so now im home at like 3 am... also wednesday... is that tomorrow or the next day? im a bit conffusesdd... thats spelled wrong i know i mistyped im just too lazy to go back and fix it... anyways so wednesday I am going to SCC with J to sign up for classes and he will advise me and it will be nice and my car will have new brake pads and ill have a day off... 

and idk what else to type... except shit i have to leave for work in 5 hours... i napped and cuddled a little which will help with my lak of sleep ( i forgot the c i know) and 4 and a half hours is totally good right? i remembered to set multiple alarms (3 actually) so hopefully that will help. HOORAY sleepytimes...

sorry if none of this made sense... also the moon was really pretty tonight... did anyone else see it?

do i really need to come up with one of these?

Im feeling so not that creative tonight. Last night was so incredible. I hung out with G and one of her friends that I sort of know. We walked around Tempe and stopped at Fascinations. Which is a sex store. Never been to one. It was interesting and got us discussing sexuality and the way society views it and how their views and expectations affect us. Really great talk and they are hysterical fun girls that I enjoy hanging out with. Anyways we walked around and then drove the other girl back home. G and I stopped for gelato and then somehow ended up at T2s house. He had some other people over. This guy, J that I've met once or twice, his sister and her boyfriend-ish, and some skanky girl that left pretty soon after we left. Anyways. J's sister and her boyfriend ended up leaving. J, G, T2 and I ended up staying up drinking a little wine, and having just incredible discussions about society, literature, cultures, everything. It was so so so nice. J and G ended up cuddling, they are cuddly people, actually we all are, either way it didn't really mean anything but then I tried to cuddle with T2... except... he had fallen asleep like... 20 minutes before... fail... i know

anyways we ahd been doing all of this on the trampoline outside and so we all got up and went inside because we could see the sun was coming up and none of us wanted the night to end. so... we went inside. J and G cuddled some more and talked. T2 laid down on the couch and went to sleep. J and G moved to a bed to discuss (no they didnt hook up... they just wanted to be able to comfily spread out... I heard them talking and laughing all night) and I fell asleep briefly during all of this. I woke up alone and crying, nightmares a lot lately, so I got up and wanted to sleep next to someone, but not bother anyone. So I tried to sleep next to his dog. Addie is the perfect dog but she would NOT sleep next to me. So in my half awake stupor i was like fine! F-YOU! got up and went to the couch where T2 was. He didnt wake up... So I slept on the other side. Woke up again cold and was like grr where are blankets? oh well pillows work. So I grabbed all the pillows Nearby and piled them on top of me and fell asleep again. T2 and I woke up around 9 and went to join G and J, who had stayed up all night talking. We hung out together for awhile and then we all went home.

J was really cool though and he offered to help me out with a lot of my school stuff. I had mentioned how worried I was that I would end up totally with a lack of intellectuality after everyone went away to college. Guess waht? He goes to ASU and is helping me pick out good classes with excellent professors at one of the community colleges. He claims that this one professor changed his life, and got him into all of thse colleges. and that the classes he took there were better than anything at ASU. Sadly very believable. But this one professor, he teaches philosophy and is very respected in his field as well as apparently being a total badass. J and him are good friends and he thinks this guy will write me a recommendation letter or two when I apply to my colleges next semester. So he and I are going to hang out this fall, and he's driving me this week up to the community college to sign up for a couple classes. It ought to be very nice

Still unsure what to think about T2. Seriously thinking he's not interested anymore. But whatever we still hangout as friends which is like... the most important to me. He's seriously an incredible person. Anyways, G is housesitting again the next two weeks. I'm very excited. Another couple of places to hang out and maybe party a little bit. God I need my own place... why is January so far away? So G and J and I are all friends now. and J is friends with T2. So we will probably all end up hanging out together a lot the next couple weeks. Also... he still has my alcohol. a handle of vodka and some triple sec. Slowly I am reacquiring all of it. I got two bottles last time I was there haha.

In other news:
My car is making terrible noises and I think it's gonna fall apart soon... fuck...

Also I had had this list of things that I thought would help make sure I was in a good mood that I wanted to happen:
-Good intelligent discussion with peers (check!)
-Cuddle with someone (... not so much... but soon. Maybe J will be a cuddle buddy? I need a few of those)
-Watch a great movie with some friends (I'm working on it)
-Find an excellent book (Also working on and at the very least, Breaking Dawn this Saturday. YES!)
-Become a ChaCha guide. (check... it's so easy, you just find answers to peoples questions and you get paid to do it. no set hours, just whenever you want and have time. half the time its just advice. seriously. you guys should look into it. comment or message and I will give you info on how to apply for it. it's not that hard and you can say i referred you and i will get money for it hooray! haha)


So I've been doing the ChaCha thing in my spare time the last couple days... Just random times like waiting for someone to come pick me up to hang out, waiting for the water to boil while cooking, whatever, and I've made 20 bucks already. it's the best!

Rest In Peace

Randy Pausch died today. I can't even describe how sad I am. I was at work and I would just start sobbing and have to leave for awhile until I calmed down. He was an incredible person and incredibly wise and hopeful. And he reminded me so much of my dad. The more I read about him and heard him speak and read his book, and learned about him as a person, the more certain I became that he and my dad would have been the best of friends. I wanted to email him and talk to him because it felt like if I did it would almost be like talking to my dad again.

I never did. I don't know if it's because I knew how much more difficult this day would have been if I had a real connection with him. Or if it was because I understood that these last months, days and hours with his family were so important I didn't want to impose on him and take his time away from them.

I hope that those children can make it through the next few years alright. Their father was an incredible man and so is there mother so I know they will. But I also know how hard it is to even exist on certain days knowing that person no longer exists in this world. And they are so young. And they have years of classes ahead where they have to make cards for their daddies, where they have to bring their dad to class. Years to realize that at that little girls wedding, there will be no father daughter dance. But then again, maybe because they ARE so young, it won't be so difficult to adjust, because it won't be adjusting. That will be how they are raised.

Either way... I just... I pray for them... and for me that is saying something.
"We can’t change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand. If I’m not as depressed as you think I should be, I’m sorry to disappoint you."
"To be cliché, death is a part of life and it’s going to happen to all of us. I have the blessing of getting a little bit of advance notice and I am able to optimize my use of time down the home stretch." (Then again... With that for a father... and that kind of legacy... they'll probably be alright)


I guess... my dad is just on my mind a lot lately... and after this, it was very close to how I felt in those first weeks after he was gone today. Almost normal but with this huge weight on me still. This Stone in the middle of my chest.
One last one because it was my dad's philosophy as much as it was Randy's I think
"It’s not about how to achieve your dreams. It’s about how to lead your life. If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself. The dreams will come to you."
<3