reasons why i havent updated lately

friday night up drinking and frolicking in my underwear until like 7am and then sleeping in this really awkward sitch that i so dont want to get into right now for like... 5 hours and going home

saturday night up until 5 am talking to m... slept until 4pm the next day

sunday night up until 3 am because g was getting felt up by one of my guy friends who is taken and was my ride so i couldnt go home until they were done again awkward sitch... work at 8 the next day

monday night out until 3 am because it was g's goodbye party... work at 8 the next day

tuesday night g's actual last night out until 1 am and then home and doing stuff until 230am... work at 8 again

last night out with m until 2-3 am and then talked with b online until 4 am and then getting ready for bed until 430 work still at 8




fuck my life
and mills


and the po-lice

oh and i started classes this week too

things to update on:
my latest like philosophical thoughts cause i know ya'll really care
b and my visit to hell soon to save her!
the really awkward sitch and how T2 is leaving and how i really don't know what to do right now
college indifferences
my awesome professors
the terrible day that i started sobbing
oh and my need for a roommate cause i may get the house to myself if i can find one... otherwise i move out and move with my mom to like... way the fuck across town

but im not going into all that now... next time kiddies
sorry

i wish my mom liked me as a person... when i suggested this to her she said "how could i?"

i wish i wasnt always the odd one out
i wish i knew what the hell to do to deal with all of this




i wish i was happy or good or smart or something




i wish i could have been the daughter he deserved

Disappointing with a dash of Tres confused

So there were all these grand plans for this weekend. A huge goodbye party at the german place with the funk band. So we got all of us in, with a 20 buck tip/bribe from me to the band and my promise to buy several rounds of sodas... which i did, which no one drank... so like 30 bucks of tip/bribes/drinks to make sure that a couple of the guys could get in...

less than an hour later EVERYONE left... INCLUDING the people i did so much to get in... leaving me there... alone... with a buncho f drunk middle aged guys hitting on me. G had run to drop someone off or pick someone up or something and when she heard what happened she turned around and picked me up and took me to some party with a bunch of people i didnt know where i drank half a beer and somehow ended up feeling rather tipsy... it was no fun at all...

and then last night we went to pita house where i discovered that apparently im the girlfriend of one of the waiters and one of the owners... haha that was fun but a certain guy friend of mine was being super whiny all night and i didnt want to deal with him. BUT i hung out with T1! which i havent done in like five bajillion years right? so that was cool and then we went home and then certain guy friends of mine came and picked me up to hang out... which endedup being us... parked in aparking lot them talking to a bunch of stoned like sophomores in high school that i didn't know and then deciding it was 11 they were going home

and as for the tres confused
im trying really hard to reign in my position on a very specific boy... we'll probably just be friends, probably won't hang out with him much more this summer or during the year, i probably wont end up in the northwest near enough to hang out with him very often when i apply to my colleges, but whatever...
the thing is though... no matter how much im trying to make myself think that way... the thing is... i still like him... i always have... he's just... so funny and smart and has such an interesting way of looking at things... and on top of that like everyone i know agrees, he's adorable! and he's warm and a good cuddler and so so sweet. he's such a nice guy... and he's crazy talented with art, and he has incredible taste in music and movies.... and it's just so hard to talk myself into the just friends place since, honestly, i've never thought of him as a just just friends... it was always a just friend because he didn't like me or a just friend because it would be too complicated... htere was always a but or a because...

andthis sucks so sos so much... but whatever its more important to stay friends because i mean... the friends part is just so so important... like fuck im not even making sense anymore
i give up


also...im sick boo

Rooftop Confessionals

So G and I hung out tonight. We met up with a couple friends and went to this local coffee shops open mic night. very cool... good music and all that... she ran into her lesbian crush... they flirted... i was sort of third wheeled but whatev it was fine...

and then she and i drove around... and she texted her lesbian crush and we overanalyzed and ate gelato together... and then T2 called us and we went to G's house to lay on her roof and hang out... at first it was awkward but then it was just really comfortable and a very good conversation that revealed a lot about his and my situation... apparently he DOESNT hook up with girls much... he's done it like twice... he tends to psych himself out of relationships due to self esteem issues (hmm familiar much?) and just like a lot of other things that make me feel a lot more certain... and i talked about some of my stuff too and G talked too so it wasnt just like one person talking a lot it was like a group rooftop confessional and was SO cool and nice and comforting... anyways we ended up staying up there until 230 and then were like shit we should go
and i was "officially" out, as in i had the car and couldnt sneak back in so my mom called me like wtf caitlin where ARE you? and i was like im sorry we fell asleep and shes like WHERE? and im like kirins roof we were watching the meteor shower, which we did, and she was like GET HOME NOW RARARARARAWR! and i was like CHILL OUT! but didnt say that basically was just like ill be home soon and she told me im not allowed to be out late on weeknights anymore and im like thats cool window!

but then we climbed back downt he tree and T2 helped me and G down and we walked out to our cars and T2 said he wants to hang out again soon and like maybe we should find new hookah places to go together and like that he will find pre 10pm hang outs so i dont get in trouble and i was like meh whatev ill sneak out i have a window and he's like i figured but i thought i would offer the choice so that was nice and any awkwardness, whether or not it was just me assuming it was there or him actually being awkward, seems to have disappeared

except! fucking... he went out to the desert to watch the meteor shower last night... WITHOUT ME and i was like FUCKING FUCK FUCK YOU! but whatev... he made up for it tonight im willing to say... and like now with everything having been said i feel so much more positive about what happened, and like it's really possible to be friends from now on, and if we hook up again im okay with that too but i understand his reasons and thoughts if we dont. and i think he is in the same place like... if it happens we both understand what the other persons thoughts on the matter are and if it doesnt we are both okay with what did happen and agree to be friends so its like really nice and comforting... i didnt lose my great guy friend and doomsday conversationalist :D

anyways its 3am i need to wake up for work in 4 hours... to sleep or read? hmm ill probably read and nap for a bit and freak out when my alarm goes off ha

good thing i have my outfit planned
ps someone remind me on facebook to upload pictures cause i just went through my camera and there are some CRAZY old pics on it

night everyone :D

fuck...

my life
fucking boys ruining everything, not just for me but for like all my friends too
fucking everyone going to college and me staying here... my life on pause as always fucking doing nothing and feeling so lost and everyone else just moving along without me and whatever
fuck my package getting lost in the mail
fuck everyone who keeps ignoring me
fuck being unable to go out alone without seeming weird/desperate/a loser
fuck my phone falling apart and having to get a new one

im so fucking done with everything
seriously
if it wasnt such a hassle and caused so many problems...
i would seriously consider ceasing to exist
ugh can i just go to sleep and wake up when the universe decides it doesnt enjoy making me get my hopes up that life is good and then making it total shit?
that'd be great too bad that probably won't ever happen



and fuck the fact that everyone will probably see this as caitlin trying to get attention as always


im sick of people so much i don't even want to get into it

wow

so tonight
I sat around until like 10 just talking with my mom's boyfriend... about life, and drinking, and how society is going to self destruct and his plan for when it happens and it was just incredible... he said he would teach me a game like yahtzee where when you do well you take hits and when you do bad you drink... he wants me to teach my friends hahaha

then my double M's (two guy friends who live together, both starting with M, one is bi and he's like a really good buddy of mine, and the other one is straight and has sort of started acting a little ass hole ish but whatev nbd still love them to death and bits) and a couple of their friends and i went to hookah... which was good! Our Muhammed who does our coals came back and we got good service again which was INCREDIBLE... and then I got a call that the German Sausage Factory Co. right by my house was having a disco night... and i was like uhm? but we went because ive been dying to dance

turns out it's sort of a restaurant bar place and they had a live band playing and it was just awesome... i danced like the whole time, they did covers of some 70s songs and some more modern songs like beyonce and umbrella and it was just so awesome... well okay so there i was surrounded by like 8 guys... because the other girls that invited us left for awhile... anyways so i was sort of like DAMN
BUT at the end this GORGEOUS guy, tall enough that when i was barefoot my head came to his shoulders (yeah WOW) started talking to me, he was really chill and it was his brother's birthday... his brother was SMASHED and dancing so intense it was amazing... and then they had a third friend who kept trying to make them leave... and the really hot guy who started dancing with me and stuff had been looking really bored before so... but then his friend was like lets GO and he was like mehhhh and his brother kept wanting to dance but the friend eventually dragged them both away... no number... :( but he wasn't from around here... I think he said Savannah, not sure, it was loud... but DAMN that was a good night... I plan on going back... minus several of those guys... plus way more girls who will stay out late with me haha anyways I'm going shopping with Mere again tomorrow, and then tomorrow night anna and tim and micah and i and mere (hopefully) will all go out again together... my vote is to see what's going on at the sausage place ha

my legs are KILLING me and I'm all post-sweaty sticky and my ears are STILL ringing and you know what? I had the best time I've had in awhile. :D

the day of almosts

I almost got hit on by like 3 guys today.
I almost got to have dinner at ra with a friend.
I almost met up with T2.
I almost got my arm twisted by the guy at sephora until I bought a 25 dollar foundation.
I almost didn't get cute clothes/shoes.

Instead. The guys all started to hit on me and did little half hearted "later" comments. All of them were at work and made references to "the next time" I came in. Still unsure if I was actually getting hit on or if they were trying to get me to keep coming to them at their store, and thus they would get their commissions... hmmm...
Instead my friends all disappeared, slash one had a birthday dinner for her sister so I ate at Ra by myself.... mmmm chicken Katsura... thank you J for introducing me.
Instead, he didnt get my text for an hour... I guess it's gonna happen tomorrow. Basically I have to pick up my handle of vodka from his house. But I also plan on stealing some of his music and maybe smoking with him. He is unaware of this but... ha... seriously though I havent hung out with him like serious hang out in forever... whatever
Instead, I redirected the scary mans attention and ran out the back exit of the store. I'm sorry but 25 bucks for a foundation just isnt quite righttt...
Instead, I bought a really cute white v-neck sweater that looks STUNNING on me, a pair of black pin stripe pants, and my red patent leather shoes.

I need to stop:
spending money
overanalyzing everything
putting off cleaning my room


ALSO i read breaking dawn... don't worry this will have NO SPOILERS
i enjoyed it but i was very surprised by a couple of things, simply because I didn't realize they were possible. then i went back and re-read the author's correspondence and realized I misunderstood. oh well... if you want to discuss email me...