hmmm

so im not entirely sure how to put all of this into words...

ive just got the first two parts down
and i know that from there a lot more stems out and i need to write it all out... but im finally watching love actually so... im just gonna ponder it all and write it out tonight when im probably not sleeping because i cant because im too bothered...

or maybe ill go to our lady of perpetual help in scottsdale and go to the perpetual adoration for some calm mind clearing time... idk why but i have this huge urge to go and just sit in a church... and OLOPH has the perpetual adoration which basically means 24/7 people are in the church so its open so i could totally go at 2am and just sit and be... im also going to go to midnight mass tomorrow... i think... the ritual will be nice... and it will make me feel connected to dad again...


anyways the two things that ive been able to put into words finally, which leads to like 5 things which then lead to like twelve mini-things... those two are
a) i am terribly depressed
b) i am terribly lonely

and the rest that follows ill post tonight k loves?
i know the rest of you probably know all of this already, and the stuff im going to be talking about some of you know about that too but... i really just need to write it out because when i do that i get this chance to re-read it and see connections in the way i talk about things and the way i think about things and all of that... anyways merry christmas everyone...

haha whoops?

So I did this thing
based on my blog
whoops i guess?

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Dating Site

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

• fuck (14x)
• fucking (9x)
• pissed (4x)
• shit (3x)
• ass (2x)
• sexy (1x)

so...

THAT phase is over
thank god i didnt know how to react to having a possibility of an actual relationship
ha-ha-ha
also mills has fucked up again/still/whatever
so uhhh it looks like i wont be going to ups... idk ill call them tomorrow

and all i really want right now is an orgasm and a bowl of ice cream
i feel like that should be a line in a song


i havent been sleeping well/atall
i accomplished a whole lot and then spent two days doing nothing
im broke
i still have to buy almost all of my xmas presents... but i have a paycheck friday

im so terribly lonely
but maybe i might have a friend to hang out with in january for a week or so
which could be lovely
if it actually happens



other than that and the sliver of a hope that ill be away in a month... and this thing that is happening wednesday which will probably end up making me more depressed with the ever so slight possibility of making me infinitely happy...
im just not sure what to keep holding on for... not that anything changes when you stop holding on... ive done it before... you just end up sitting on your ass for awhile watching the world swirl around you feeling just as pointless as before and then a ribbon goes past you and you hold on and at least you are DOING something... even if it doesnt matter either

and no this isnt a depressed rant... no matter how it seems to read...

speaking of im going to go read and hope to god i sleep