i gave in

and bought the damn green nikita set from AP

it went on sale

like half off

i still spent 100 dollars and didnt get the suspender belt it wasn't in my size... But as soon as it gets in I'm ordering it.

it will look amazing on me and make me feel amazing...

I also had it gift wrapped and sent with a note about how amazing i am... signed "yourself"... haha it will probably come on the perfect day for a mood lift right?

anyways

pilates keeps kicking my ass but whatever

i donated to obama today... and hope i get that plane ticket to see him at the dnc...

last night was awkward... i really dont even want to go into it right now... but it basically involved this random girl making me feel like crap... and staying out all night as always haha

G leaves tomorrow... and then J and his sister the next day... and im like fuccccck me who am i going to hang out with? like everyone is on vacation... T1 just got back but... i am not sure he wants to hang out with me much lately... idk its odd... whatever... and T2... it's still a little awkward but i have to meet up with him this weekend to get my alcohol from him... so maybe we can hang out? meh whatever

DUDE! pineapple express comes out next wednesday i wanna gooooo... i need to find a group that will be amazing to go see that with... and maybe smoke a little before? that could make it all the better haha...

OH and how could i NOT mention breaking dawn? tomorrow night? so eeexxxxcccciiiitttteeeddddd cant wait... im staying up until i finish it... i dont care

oh and just had this excellent convo with my friend from missouri about what i just bought from AP
me: well... ouvert is definently more than just a normal pair of panties with like seethrough
ouvert... open
her: lol yea
me: ha... guess who just figured that one out... haha oh well
it'll come in handy at some point...
her: hahaha
me: maybe not for awhile but...
hey be prepared right?
i was a girlscout
her: hahahahahahahah

im a rather entertaining person at times...

oh and speaking of i got 25 page impressions today and 10 ad clicks... so either B was busy or i have a bunch of people randomly reading my stuff now? haha probably the first but on the off chance... either way thank you
anyways im going to go take a bath and go to bed early in preparation for tomorrows all nighter... FUCK YES BD!

edit: its 1147 and im going to bed now... i fail... oh well it isnt 2am or later/earlier

late nights and lists

so i came home early from work today. I felt sick to my stomach. It was terrible. On top of being crazy sore from Pilates and trying to teach myself belly dancing I felt like I was going to throw up. Hooray life. And no it wasnt a hang over... It didn't hit until I had been up for a few hours. And I wasnt feeling so hot last night after dinner either. anyways... I am doing another half day tomorrow, taking off early and J is driving with me to get signed up for classes. He says they have incredible literature classes online and also recommends this great philosophy professor. Apparently the guy is super amazing, plus writes killer recc letters. Plus I've always been interested in philosophy. Tried to take it last semester but due to several things, the teacher creeping me out like you wouldnt believe, the class happened during perfect napping time, and I was too depressed to get out of bed at all most days... I ended up dropping it. 

Anyways so thats on my to do list for tomorrow as well as baking and trying once more to get my life in order. ha i know right?

But in the spirit of that I couldnt sleep... So I started making lists. Things I need to do, this week, this month, and this semester. From stupidly simple things like laundry and dry cleaning, making sure I talk to a good friend of mine who for some unknown reason is up in Minnesota at college, BOO! but i love her to bits and pieces anyways and I really am in need of talking to her... I miss her voice, and I've been dealing with dad stuff, which she totally gets, and I need advice on colleges... Anyways, from silly things like that to like... try to save 3k this semester, make sure you call mills and tell them you arent coming back, do a little bit of research on a few different topics... that sort of thing. I also have lists of things I need to buy... groceries, clothes, (I need a new winter coat... especially if I end up in the NW as it appears I will, of course I did just find out about Rice which is in Texas... *cough* B! *cough*) and silly other things like a new blow dryer, some new stationary, breaking dawn (Midnight party friday YES!), and remembering to donate to Obama before the month is out. 

And then I did all that and still wasn't sleepy so I wrote a blog... cause that totally makes sense. Anyways, Don't forget to click the ads to the sides guys... It gives me money, and for those of you I'm visiting this semester I'm going to need money to do that. And it's like 30 cents for each click... I figure I might finally have a hundred dollars by next year. Haha... Unless I magically become famous for being so crazily witty and interesting... ha right... But I figure between this little random free income, and ChaCha's nice little income... It ought to at least help me out enough to count right?

i also finished the last lecture book by randy pausch. again. I still cry. I still think everyone should read it. NOW!

okay and here is my all important list of things I want to do regularly from now on. I decided to post it in it's entirety to help me feel more committed to it. 

-ChaCha for at least 3 hours every week

-Blow dry hair/do make up once or twice a week (So as not to hit the rut I did at Mills, if I make myself try to look nice, I feel better about myself, more purposeful)

-Dry cleaning once a month. (Now that I'm working I need to, plus support small business right?)

-Work on weeding out clothes and books for donation and/or reselling

-Make dinner and dessert for the family at least twice a month

-Try to get a haircut every couple of months

-Tackle one part of my room, cleaning/reorganizing, every two weeks. Working in zones will help keep me from getting overwhelmed. 

-Keep up on my classwork... (Never used to be a problem... and then Mills hit me. If I'm going to a real college next semester, I can't let that happen. I have to go to classes, pay attention, and do the assignments, well and on time.)

-Call up one of my mentors for brunch once a month. Hopefully, more than once a month but... (And to start this off I'm calling Dr. Retts and Mrs. Ryan tomorrow to see when they are free... Maybe even Dr. Holland or Ms. Mayorga. The last two were high school teachers that inspire me and keep me motivated and interested in literature, not that that is hard. The first is a contact from my first college that is crazy cool. She's sort of rich ex-hippie socialite. She knew Cat Stevens and offered to lend me one of her GORGEOUS vintage dresses. just because she thought it would look good on me. and Mrs. Ryan was my high school counselor and because of all the shit I went through senior year we became really good friends and I would often spend mornings in her office drinking tea and eating granola bars and discussing my life. She was amazing, and I couldn't have made it through that year without her.)

-Keep going to Pilates, maybe join a gym. Basically, STAY IN SHAPE!

-Read one classic a month. I've committed to this before and always enjoyed it and then somehow always stopped for some unknown reason.

-Keep journaling. Whether it is blogging or whatever, I feel like it makes me a little less crazy and scattered. It makes me more focused and less annoying to others. Or at least that is what I hope. 

-Participate in one medium-large RAK a month. They make you feel better plus... why not? Karma right?

-Participate in one good discussion a month. Keep the brain working well. Shouldn't be hard with a few other goals I've set myself but... 

-Spend one weekend a month out... visiting people most likely. I have to do a trip to Mills in the next month, would like to hit up Pittsburgh/NY/NJ to see a few *very* select members of my family at some point... november sounds nice (randy pausch day in pittsburgh, and it would help me with my dad's two year) but i really was hoping for september because a) it's sooner, and b) I'm doing this partially as a birthday present for my aunt... then again it could be a half birthday present if i went in november for my dear beloved cousin... plus I need to get up to Portland area in October to look at my colleges... Plus I want to go to San Diego/Santa Barbara to visit some college friends at SOME point before we both go mad. So these trips will help me keep in touch, research colleges, and give my mom and step dad some time away from me, and me from them phew!

-Take care of myself. Like... drink enough water... take my vitamins... try to eat fruit again that sort of thing that i ALWAYS neglect.

so good luck to me... anyone else have any resolutions for the next school year/life/whatever

how much alcohol is in a half a small glass of malibu?

haha oh dear... so G called me up tonight and was like "i have to stay up late lets go hang out" so we did. and we ended up in Chandler hanging out at the apartment of one of J's friends. It was pretty fun with a dash of awkward. J is totally into G but up for being just friends. I drank... more than I probably should. One small glass of wine and this glass that had like half full of malibu... straight... so i added doctor pepper and it tasted like sun tan lotion... and we played truth or dare and never have i ever, one game normal and one game personal attacks... and J and his sister and a few other people there all found out that T2 and I had hooked up. And they were all like "omg really? was it good? high five!" and i was like "yeah but i think its kind of done" and they were like "bummer" and i was like i know... but as long as were still friends im totally good... which i am

and J and T2 are like good friends so thats good that like J knows that T2 and I hooked up and while I would enjoy it being more than a random hook up whenever, I'm cool with it going back to us just being friends. cause then he wil tell T2, probably not but one may hope, and things can go back to being normal... and i sort of cuddled.. and i played with puppies... and it was loverly

and we discussed relationships and I mentioned my revelation about all the guys I go after having had other girls interested/involved with them... and he made an excellent point which made me feel like not a whore "If any guy is worth it, there is bound to be a little competition"

anyways so now im home at like 3 am... also wednesday... is that tomorrow or the next day? im a bit conffusesdd... thats spelled wrong i know i mistyped im just too lazy to go back and fix it... anyways so wednesday I am going to SCC with J to sign up for classes and he will advise me and it will be nice and my car will have new brake pads and ill have a day off... 

and idk what else to type... except shit i have to leave for work in 5 hours... i napped and cuddled a little which will help with my lak of sleep ( i forgot the c i know) and 4 and a half hours is totally good right? i remembered to set multiple alarms (3 actually) so hopefully that will help. HOORAY sleepytimes...

sorry if none of this made sense... also the moon was really pretty tonight... did anyone else see it?

do i really need to come up with one of these?

Im feeling so not that creative tonight. Last night was so incredible. I hung out with G and one of her friends that I sort of know. We walked around Tempe and stopped at Fascinations. Which is a sex store. Never been to one. It was interesting and got us discussing sexuality and the way society views it and how their views and expectations affect us. Really great talk and they are hysterical fun girls that I enjoy hanging out with. Anyways we walked around and then drove the other girl back home. G and I stopped for gelato and then somehow ended up at T2s house. He had some other people over. This guy, J that I've met once or twice, his sister and her boyfriend-ish, and some skanky girl that left pretty soon after we left. Anyways. J's sister and her boyfriend ended up leaving. J, G, T2 and I ended up staying up drinking a little wine, and having just incredible discussions about society, literature, cultures, everything. It was so so so nice. J and G ended up cuddling, they are cuddly people, actually we all are, either way it didn't really mean anything but then I tried to cuddle with T2... except... he had fallen asleep like... 20 minutes before... fail... i know

anyways we ahd been doing all of this on the trampoline outside and so we all got up and went inside because we could see the sun was coming up and none of us wanted the night to end. so... we went inside. J and G cuddled some more and talked. T2 laid down on the couch and went to sleep. J and G moved to a bed to discuss (no they didnt hook up... they just wanted to be able to comfily spread out... I heard them talking and laughing all night) and I fell asleep briefly during all of this. I woke up alone and crying, nightmares a lot lately, so I got up and wanted to sleep next to someone, but not bother anyone. So I tried to sleep next to his dog. Addie is the perfect dog but she would NOT sleep next to me. So in my half awake stupor i was like fine! F-YOU! got up and went to the couch where T2 was. He didnt wake up... So I slept on the other side. Woke up again cold and was like grr where are blankets? oh well pillows work. So I grabbed all the pillows Nearby and piled them on top of me and fell asleep again. T2 and I woke up around 9 and went to join G and J, who had stayed up all night talking. We hung out together for awhile and then we all went home.

J was really cool though and he offered to help me out with a lot of my school stuff. I had mentioned how worried I was that I would end up totally with a lack of intellectuality after everyone went away to college. Guess waht? He goes to ASU and is helping me pick out good classes with excellent professors at one of the community colleges. He claims that this one professor changed his life, and got him into all of thse colleges. and that the classes he took there were better than anything at ASU. Sadly very believable. But this one professor, he teaches philosophy and is very respected in his field as well as apparently being a total badass. J and him are good friends and he thinks this guy will write me a recommendation letter or two when I apply to my colleges next semester. So he and I are going to hang out this fall, and he's driving me this week up to the community college to sign up for a couple classes. It ought to be very nice

Still unsure what to think about T2. Seriously thinking he's not interested anymore. But whatever we still hangout as friends which is like... the most important to me. He's seriously an incredible person. Anyways, G is housesitting again the next two weeks. I'm very excited. Another couple of places to hang out and maybe party a little bit. God I need my own place... why is January so far away? So G and J and I are all friends now. and J is friends with T2. So we will probably all end up hanging out together a lot the next couple weeks. Also... he still has my alcohol. a handle of vodka and some triple sec. Slowly I am reacquiring all of it. I got two bottles last time I was there haha.

In other news:
My car is making terrible noises and I think it's gonna fall apart soon... fuck...

Also I had had this list of things that I thought would help make sure I was in a good mood that I wanted to happen:
-Good intelligent discussion with peers (check!)
-Cuddle with someone (... not so much... but soon. Maybe J will be a cuddle buddy? I need a few of those)
-Watch a great movie with some friends (I'm working on it)
-Find an excellent book (Also working on and at the very least, Breaking Dawn this Saturday. YES!)
-Become a ChaCha guide. (check... it's so easy, you just find answers to peoples questions and you get paid to do it. no set hours, just whenever you want and have time. half the time its just advice. seriously. you guys should look into it. comment or message and I will give you info on how to apply for it. it's not that hard and you can say i referred you and i will get money for it hooray! haha)


So I've been doing the ChaCha thing in my spare time the last couple days... Just random times like waiting for someone to come pick me up to hang out, waiting for the water to boil while cooking, whatever, and I've made 20 bucks already. it's the best!

Rest In Peace

Randy Pausch died today. I can't even describe how sad I am. I was at work and I would just start sobbing and have to leave for awhile until I calmed down. He was an incredible person and incredibly wise and hopeful. And he reminded me so much of my dad. The more I read about him and heard him speak and read his book, and learned about him as a person, the more certain I became that he and my dad would have been the best of friends. I wanted to email him and talk to him because it felt like if I did it would almost be like talking to my dad again.

I never did. I don't know if it's because I knew how much more difficult this day would have been if I had a real connection with him. Or if it was because I understood that these last months, days and hours with his family were so important I didn't want to impose on him and take his time away from them.

I hope that those children can make it through the next few years alright. Their father was an incredible man and so is there mother so I know they will. But I also know how hard it is to even exist on certain days knowing that person no longer exists in this world. And they are so young. And they have years of classes ahead where they have to make cards for their daddies, where they have to bring their dad to class. Years to realize that at that little girls wedding, there will be no father daughter dance. But then again, maybe because they ARE so young, it won't be so difficult to adjust, because it won't be adjusting. That will be how they are raised.

Either way... I just... I pray for them... and for me that is saying something.
"We can’t change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand. If I’m not as depressed as you think I should be, I’m sorry to disappoint you."
"To be cliché, death is a part of life and it’s going to happen to all of us. I have the blessing of getting a little bit of advance notice and I am able to optimize my use of time down the home stretch." (Then again... With that for a father... and that kind of legacy... they'll probably be alright)


I guess... my dad is just on my mind a lot lately... and after this, it was very close to how I felt in those first weeks after he was gone today. Almost normal but with this huge weight on me still. This Stone in the middle of my chest.
One last one because it was my dad's philosophy as much as it was Randy's I think
"It’s not about how to achieve your dreams. It’s about how to lead your life. If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself. The dreams will come to you."
<3

whoa

the last few days have been crazy beyond words... im not going to go into the whole fiasco where my mom tried to kick me out and take away my laptop (from my dad) and my computer because i overslept and my room was cluttered... seriously for all the people that know know me... my room was spotless by my standards... with a little clutter in the corner and on my couch... and for me thats like... extraordinary

it was ridiculous... long story its over whatever

i bought ridiculous amounts of clothes... adorable clothes... but i was having a really shitty day and so i ended up shopping, which is so off for me... but it worked... which is even more off for me but whatever

and ive been super negative lately but... im trying not to be

i realized something today... all the guys ive liked and gone after... have had girlfriends or significant others... generally my friends... ALL OF THEM... not a single one was single when i went after them... what is wrong with me? okay T2 wasnt with anyone, but one of my friends was full fledged after him... granted she's a little psycho and had never really met him except like twice... but still im a bit of a homewrecker... jezeus

speaking of i think i may ask him out to ice cream or soemthing tomorrow... T2 that is... or at least that was my plan when i was with a couple of my friends at this coffee shop listening to this incredible band called the liking strikes** and being told what a great idea it was... now that im back in my room alone im sort of second thinking it...  this sucks... i dont know how to deal with boys... seriously... 

**The Liking Strikes are INCREDIBLE this is one of their songs, that she wrote, called Allie. It's based on the Notebook, from the point of Allie, trying to be with Lon, knowing she was in love with Noah...

Also if you like them vote for them to be in ACL...  and add them to your myspace or whatever, they are currently touring the west coast and my friends and I are making a list of small liberal arts colleges and coffee shops from san diego to washington to hit up, so let me know if you are interested!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbYzR5iD-bU

what am i doing with my life?

so i hated my college last year... the people i made friends with were amazing but it was NOT what i was expecting and it wasnt a school that fit me. so i was transferring

but of course they fucked it up... in fact pretty sure everyone i know who has tried to transfer has encountered crazy amounts of roadblocks that the school randomly throws in their way... like "losing" the request to send someone's transcript. so i encountered some issues, and i decided to take the semester off. i will be working and using this time to get all the paperwork in line and making my application amazing...

however this brings me to the question of... where do i go? i really love small liberal arts colleges... and ive been told to look into Lewis and Clark and Pomona. but obviously i need more suggestions. i think being in the northwest would be nice, and i definitely want to stay on the west coast, far away from my kind of crazy family... and i would really like to be in a place that is environmentally aware... of course this is making lewis and clark seem even more attractive

but T2 goes there and i dont want to be stalker girl who goes to the same college as him after hooking up a couple times... but at the same time he KNOWS ive been looking into it, and seriously, as much as you dont pick a college because of a boy, you dont NOT choose a college because of one too right?

but still i need to find new places... i had really contemplated colorado college... i really love the way they approach education... buttttt the issue there is that its in colorado... and while i can do chilly i dont think i can do cold... and certainly not like colorado cold... 

of course my aversion to cold sort of is a road block to my desire to be in the northwest... jesus this is hard

and then i have to try to figure out what im going to major in... im leaning towards english... today at least, with like a minor in communications or economics, or something marketable... i would really like to go into public realtions but.... what do you even major in for that?

and then... im going to need to make up the semester off so i can graduate in the spring of 11... wont be too hard, a few summer sessions... ooooh and at lewis and clark if you take shakespeare in the summer session you get to go to the oregon shakespeare festival... 

but anyways let me know if you have suggestions of schools... i need them terribly

my life= failure

mmkay so yesterday... woke up got my hair cut (AMAZING job ps its just fabulous) and all of that shenanigans, went to chicagos for lunch, got my heels fixed, bought a GORGEOUS michael kors white leather purse... for 70 bucks... yeah originally 350 or something ridiculous. and bought a shirt thats really pretty but then i realized its actually more like a babydoll... totally see through on the bottom half... it actually looks like a genie shirt comme i dream of jeannie

and then... i made my amazing brownies, and i grabbed that and some food and got ready for the party and went with T1 to village inn with some random people and it was really awkward... and then he, who was SUPPOSED to come to the party dropped me off at G's house (the one who i go drink wine with late at night... shes a little awkward but cool and funny) and then he went home... when it came time that we could go to T2s house for the party... he announced he wasnt going... so... G invited some of her friends... but they were in tempe at bars and didnt want to drive up... my friends randomly all decided not to come, M was sick, K was... dying her hair? yeah idk... and just stupid things like that... so it ended up as T2, G, and I all sitting around at the house... and then G was like hey theres a party in tempe lets go try and hit that up

as soon as we got there the alcohol ran out, and apparently im not cute enough to get even a bit of the handle of rum, the last bit left... he contemplated it but then ran away... to give it to some skanky fat girl with a lip ring... uhm... okay? and then T2 and G kept wandering off and i was tired and wanted to sit down... so i sat down on this pool chair... and then a drunk guy came over to hit on me i guess... he didnt even flirt he just rambled drunkly and then announced that he was hitting on me... not even joking he said "you know im hitting on you right?" and then he stumbled away... when we finally left he tried to grab my hand and pull me to him and i was like uhhh T2? help? cause im sorry calling another girl isnt the best idea, calling a GUY will get him to drop your hand so fast... and he did... and then T2 turned around and i just looked like i randomly asked him for help for no reason cause the random drunk guy ran off right after i said a guys name

so then we went back to T2s house and i realized i had nothing to mix the MASSIVE amounts of alcohol with... and so i just drank some peach schnapps straight... wasnt too bad but i definitely didnt want to drink enough to get myself buzzed... and so then G got tired and laid down and T2 was sitting next to her and had her lay down in hs lap... and i just wandered around awkwardly...

and then she suggested I get a massage from T2... and then i mentioned that i took a massage class so i did G and then T2... and they both fell asleep during theirs... and so i woke them up like uhm... youre on a very uncomfy couch and yure on the floor how bout you move to a bed... and then T2 asked me where i wanted to sleep and i didnt want to pick... im terrible at making decisions... plus he didnt mention his parents bed, and all the other beds are single and i really didnt want to sleep alone... im a very lonely person so i sleep with someone or something as much as possible... dogs, stuffed animals, people, something. and i had no stuffed animal with me, and the dog was already asleep in the iving room so i just shrugged and went and brushed my teeth

and then he was like well lets go cuddle on the couch in the living room, which is the comfy couch... and so he woke up G and we all cuddled up together.. and then G woke up a little and was like man i need to go home and she got up and went home and T2 and I cuddled... and i was big spoon and rubbed his back a little more and then we fell asleep and at some point he got up and moved to the other part of the couch... im afraid i pushed him off the couch ha... and then i woke up at like 1230 and we hung out a little at his house and went home

he didnt even eat the brownies i made him...

okay so it wasnt a terrible failure... i actually really liked the mellowness and the just cuddling part but... the party was failure, he didnt like kiss me or anything, and it was just like wow... this is not at all what i was expecting...

you dont even want to know about the last couple of days

no... you really dont

but it involved me trying, and failing, at long boarding, sneaking out of my house to go bicycle riding at 11pm... swimming and playing a terrible game of never have i ever... taking a single hit and freaking the fuck out because i ended up so blazed

not sure i want to try that again... then again i started to freak out cause S, i was smoking with him and T1, flipped out and started searching for his ipod and being just kind of crazy in general... also i was afraid i was going to make a fool out of myself so i wouldnt move or speak... and my vision just kept shaking... as soon as i could i went home and crawled into bed... unfortunately it wasnt QUITE worn off when i went to work the next morning...

yeah... and thats the readers digest condensed... 

so uhm in other news... after S flipping out and him driving me home and just last night in general i realized i am not really into him anymore... T2, still very much so but... idk T2 may smoke, but he just ends up chill and happy and flirting with me... S smokes and goes nuts over his ipod and i know that sounds ridiculous but i was scared... like he was scary...

also when T2 dropped me off after our night at his house with the dancing to the beatles and the cuddling all night... he waited until i had crawled back through my window, closed it and waved him away and shut the curtains before he drove off... last night... S was gone before i was even to my window... and i know thats ridiculously stupid but... it makes a difference to me you know?

anyways hilarious story from the other day... so i was walking back from lunch to my work. and this guy, like 45ish is walking towards me as i go to the doors of the building and he checks me out, (i mean it was kind of a standard outfit for me, pumps, pencil skirt, hair in a bun, red lipstick and my huge sunglasses) and says hey... i say hi back and he asks me if i work in the building. figuring he has a question im like "yeah i do" and he then... asks me for my phone number... i was like "uhhh im only 19" and he freaked out a little said "WOAH!" shook his head turned around and walked away without another word... i laughed for the rest of the day

sadly i will not be at TDK tonight... im actually super upset that im not going to be there for the midnight showing... but im thinking that i can maybe mention how sad I am to T2 tomorrow, oh yeah he offered his house with some finagling from T1 *thank you forever* as a replacement since my parents arent leaving and i still have alcohol and people i want to hang out with for that night... so i figure i will ask him how it was he will go on and on about how badass it was and ill be like im so disappointed i didnt get to see it... i wanted to go to the imax but it was sold out and then my group kind of disappeared... and now i dont know who i can go with... *bats eyelashes pout lips* and this is where he will hopefully say he will take me to go see it

although more likely than not he will say oh man that really sucks yeah it was so goodblah blah blah and then be carried away when someone has a question about where paper towels are or something like that... 

So tomorrow im doing my part for the economy... im spending like 100 bucks at a salon, getting my heels repaired (i tend to break off the tips of the heels so it ends up being like a metal rod for a heel, not so bad except when youre walking on tile... and the crunching it makes on asphalt isnt so pleasant either...) drop off dry cleaning/mending, stop at this little boutique that i love. its crazy expensive BUT the outlet version just opened up in the same complex as my shoe repair place... so im HOPING that i can find some rock and republic jeans for cheap... or a cute top/dress for the party

thats the other thing... i want to make sure i look super crazy sexy hot for the party because a) its my party, even if it is at T2s, and i plan on making sure that he lets me hostess AND clean up afterwards, not to mention the food im bringing is going to blow their minds... (my famous tiramisu brownies, the amazing but so terrible smores pizza pie thing, etc etc) b) i KNOW im going to hook up with T2 again... cause uhm... we kind of always do now... seriously its just like a given... c) there are a couple other cute guys coming... and while i dont know them super well and they may have girlfriends or i know they are interested in someone else... god dammit i still want every guy thinking "jesus christ she's hot"

is that so terrible?

yes... yes it is... :D

anyways a dear old friend just texted me and shes feeling "too pretty go home" and while i just got out of the bath and am sitting in bed in a mens button down shirt with my wet hair thrown haphazardly into a bun... im so with her... i feel too pretty to be home right now

so i guess were going to try to go out... thank god i dont have work tomorrow morning right?

just got home... yes at 6am

so... last night i went out for coffee with my friend again... and once more i came home and then snuck back out to go to her house for a glass of wine... she had a guy friend that she was interested in come over... and T2 was coming as well. we drank wine and smirnoff ices and played apples to apples... 

and then T2 took me home around 130

please note... his home... not mine

we smoked a little... as in a bowl... idk if thats little but... shotgunning every hit... and then i put on the beatles... and well... i didnt get back home until 6 am

now the interesting thing is... B will love this it supports her theory so well...

at one point he told me that he was too shy to suggest something and that he needed to smoke another bowl before he got up the courage... i then giggled for like an hour because: a) id had a smirnoff ice and two glasses of wine... wait... three... b) id been smoking and c) i KNEW it was going to make B all ha thats right SEE! and so i started giggling and laughing and he was like you know what... you seem pretty buzzed maybe i dont need to smoke to get up the courage

also i tried not to go there but... sorry if it was all TMI on you... meh whatev im still kind of buzzed and really hungry and tired... and i cant seem to care enough

in entirely other news

it rained today

a good chunk of the day and almost all night... it was beautiful

i miss rainy days... 

Update: tonight i fell asleep at 7pm how lovely riiight

also theres a possibility my parents arent going away this weekend? and im like nooooo because if they go then i can have my party and maybe someone will stay the night and i can cuddle with someone all night :D

boys boys boys

so last night i hung out with this friend of mine from high school... i explained to her the situation with S and T2 and she says that she fully supports my pursuing T2 and understands perfectly my liking both and wanting to pursue both... but she said that she really thinks if i just sit down and talk to T2 he would totally be chill about figuring out whats going on... So later she called me up again and was like hey wanna come over for a glass of wine... you invite T2 I'll invite S. So I invited T2 who was hanging out with a couple people and decided to stay in at their house instead of coming to hang out with us... understandable but this is like... the third time in a row he's not been able to hang out with me when i called... whatever it was like 1 am... 

so S came over and the three of us had a glass of wine and just hung out... the girl started to fall asleep so he and I went outside so he could try out her long board and try to teach me... for future reference, i can work heels, im slightly clumsy in flats, and im incapable of staying up right if im on anything with wheels... 

and then we went back inside and kept talking... now whether it was because it was now like 230 am or because the wine had gotten to me a little... i started rambling... and dropping a lot of things i really just didnt need to drop... like... my love of lingerie... and the fact that im getting a brazilian next week... and just all sorts of things that really i dont think S needed to know... i also explained, briefly the stint with L... and then S drove me home and i gave him a hug, climbed back through my window into my house... and realized all of the things i had said that night... and promptly texted to apologize. he said it was fine and that he didnt think i had talked a lot and blah blah blah

on the upside i kept everything with T2 under wraps and when S asked me who i liked i was able to skip around the question pretty well... granted so did he when I asked him right back... 

now... speaking of L... he's at it again... facebook friending all of MY friends... people he met only once or twice... he is now friends with K, T2, B, and one of my random guy friends... K and B are like two of my closest girl friends and hes met them both once... with me... now whatever he can friend who he wants... they all think its rather creepy of him but whatever... now the thing is that K wasn't going to just let L slide and not say anything... so... she started talking to him... saying something about him being a creeper and he made a comment about her being short... clearly thinking it was all some sort of joke... she then replied with "and I'm really not that short, I just have friends that are tall. and what does that even matter? Being short doesn't affect how I treat people. I'd rather be short than be a creeper." 

thank you K... im glad I have someone sticking up for me... even if he is just going to delete her, and the comments and probably write something rather mean to her... 

seriously i need to figure all of this out

luckily spending the night with S cleared up several things for me.

A) i DO like S... 

B) i like T2 more

C) i want to talk to T2 about this whole whatever is with us and be like okay so are we just benifriends? or do you actually like me? either way im cool i just need to know

D) i know who im going to dark knight with... S... he offered to accompany me last night when i mentioned that i wanted to go but didnt know who to go with...

granted... were going to the IMAX... which is also where T2 and HIS group are going.... and im still not positive how things will go when i get there but at least i wont show up by myself to a theater looking like a total loser right?

fuck my life... 

addiction

so i have a bit of an addiction

im not gonna lie i really do

its shopping

now dont get me wrong i actually used to have panic attacks over spending money... but never on this one thing... i could buy this one type of thing for the rest of time and never feel bad about spending the money... 

lingerie

seriously its ridiculous ive never really had anyone to wear it for, no not even my boyfriend of two years... long story but he was very much a keep your clothes on kind of guy... but i just love buying it... now this causes problems because... well its an expensive thing to be addicted to buying... luckily im an awkward bra size and im not all about the peekaboo leopard print see through lingerie things... i try to go for subtle and classy sexy... so i dont buy a whle lot... but when i see something i DO like its hard to hold back for me... except when they are OVER the top expensive

as is the case with agent provocateur... seriously just look at their stuff... unacceptably amazing... and its like... 100 bucks for a bra... sigh not to mention the garter belt and the seamed stockings... and the panties and just *sigh* it all equates to 330 dollars for the set... 

now in completely other news

my plans for the night fell through

no dancing

everyones busy

i went to coffee with a random friend... she encouraged me with T2 and told me that even if things dont work out i should look into the school he goes too because she htinks id love it there

i wanted a cocktail so bad... or a smirnoff ice... mmmm

and now im trying to plan for next weekend... green vintage dress? or jeans and a top? or a dress that i will look hot in? what to wear what to wear... 

also i found a handle of vodka the other day

i forgot that i had hidden it until i found it... haha oh man good thing my niece didnt sleep over on my couch last night or else she would have found it... 

excuse me while i complain

this week has been terrible at work... i am so so so done... and yet... i got a paycheck today which reminded me... hey maybe you should  keep doing this. so tonight when i came home ready to crash into the weekend... and i had no plans for the night... i figured id take a little nap and wake up, make dinner, and hopefully go do something. instead i woke up two hours later to my niece running into my room asking if she can watch tv in my room and my mom chattering about the zoo tomorrow and do i want to wake up at 7 and go with them?  no no and no

im grumpy so im going to whine a little okay? if you dont want to read it skip to the asterisk 

now dont get me wrong i LOVE my niece but seriously... gtfo my room... go watch tv in the living room... its just as good as mine and you bug me less there... as for my mom... no i will NOT wake up at 7 am to go to the zoo for an hour... i dont care if there are monkeys playing in the snow its not worth less sleep than i get during the week when i have work

and then i became grumpy because i hadnt eaten... and because in that two hour naps... i had received nada... no text, no facebook messages, no calls... granted this shouldnt have surprised me... if i want to go out i generally have to get a group together and organize something... but seriously... couldnt for once someone invite ME to do something? okay this totally isnt fair because they do... but at the same time... idk i just feel like... im a second thought friend for some people like... you know that person? you hang out with them its cool you enjoy yourself... and if they call you up youll probably go out with them again... but when you are going to do something you dont think to call them up... yeah i think thats me... 

and on that note... ive noticed something... so my ex was/is kind of a huge ass and i discovered after we broke up that not a lot of people enjoy his company, especially after the break up when i wasnt there to mellow him out as much... anyways so... a lot of people didnt like him... so by dating him for the two years i went to this high school... i didnt get to hang out with a lot of people but now my friends that i had acquired despite dating him are introducing me to new people that are generally pretty cool... however... because i dont know them REALLY well... like enough to be facebook friends but not have their number, anyways so im having this small kickback/party/whatnot on friday... and i can invite my core group of like 6-7 and a couple of other people i sort of know at least well enough to invite them to a party... but then comes the question of inviting all the people that keep showing up at like... T2s parties... because a) i dont want to be super awkward like hey ive gotten drunk with you like twice come hang out at myhouse! and b) they are T2s friends and i dont wnt to seem like stalker girl so instead i sent out an email like heyyyy having a party invite people you think id like to the like 9-10 people that i feel like i can invite and hopefully other people will come

but not too many cause srsly i dont know how much alcohol i have/will need... 

also... so last night i went to dinner with M and her boy D and T1

really fun and then we saw kiss kiss bang bang at Ds house

and it rained really hard... stopped while we watched the movie and started up right as we stepped outside to drive home

but it really sucked because like... okay they arent SUPER couply like hand holdy and kissy kissy and pet names... but the little things like them arguing over who was paying for who's dinner... like her drawing on his back while talking to me... absentmindedly like its so second nature like she just has to be in contact with him in some small way....

i miss that... a lot

but i cant really begrudge her it because shes ilke the sweetest person you could EVER meet... shes so kind and like gorgeous and funny and smart and gah... i love that girl to pieces... *

the last like sentence wasnt grumbling but it doesnt make sense if you dont read the grumbling... 

however now that ive whined...  i dont really have much else to say... sorry for all you who didnt want to read this... its probably a tiny post for you guys... 

im gonna go watch the tudors again and stretch while i do it... i pulled something in my leg and it hurts like woah... and make tea and sleep and hopefully tomorrow, if plans dont fall through, go dancing with M and K

night lovelies

<3

oh dear... ramblerambleramble

so i have a little dilemma

there is this guy T2 (T1 is like my best guy friend... hes crazy funny and so smart and he was the one mentioned in previous posts)... i like him.. always have, even when i was dating my ex... (we were together for two years). so this year... i went to a college i hated and was looking around at places to transfer, and was recommended the college he goes to by a few people, so i emailed him and we started chatting again... sort of flirty but never obviously... then over spring break he took me on a lunch date and we sat there for like two hours after just talking... hes really funny and smart and... i really just enjoy his company... 

so this summer... (after a lot of things that i dont want to get into but they may cause some issues down the road but im hoping they dont) he and i hooked up... a few times... all after drinking at a kickback at his house... weve never really discussed what happened, but we have an unspoken agreement that... if were hanging out together... and the occasion presents itself... why not? since our most recent hookup... he was kind of awkward though... i mean... not SUPER awkward... and maybe not all his fault... we were at another party a few nights later... and that was just an awkward party in general and he was chattng with people that dont like me so i sort of stayed away and then he left randomly in the middle of the party... like wtf? and i havent heard from him since... so... i took that as a sign he was awkward with me and was backing off... knowing that i legitimately like this guy as a friend as well as being attracted to him... hoping that that could save whatever friendship

so last night i randomly ended up with his sunglasses in my car... he didnt hang out with us but someone who had his sunglasses was with us and left them in my car... anyways i was writing on his facebook wall via facebook mobile at work about it and this guy, S, i used to be interested in but got sick of his on-again off-again personality... keeps texting me... interrupting me every time im about to send the comment to T2...  and theyre all like... about how he wants to hang out with me when he gets home from cali tomorrow... and it was like heh awkward... but it got worse... so T2 stopped bymy office this afternoon to pick up his sunglasses on his way to a movie with a (male)friend of his... and as im walking towards him i get a text from S... saying something about how he cant wait to see me... 

Now the thing is... i like T2... but... I can't figure out if he would want to move things further... im not talking like... full blown relationship... but like... dating... like going on dates dating... and if he doesnt... im sorry beni-friends is not really my thing... i love being a girlfriend and like... rubbing my guys back and baking for him and buying cute little outfits and looking pretty for him... and if S wants to date me... and T2 doesn't... I think I'd go with S... even though I like T2 waaay more... 

This is way too much... one of the main reasons I dislike being single...

on a completely unrelated note though:

i had had this plan... to be a hermit ALL week... i figured this could accomplish lots of things, i would clean and catch up on sleep, all of the things my group of friends does that were getting old (like hookah and ice cream, which is a pretty standard outing for everyone i hang out with... its fun but...) would have novelty again at least to a degree, and also... by making myself unavailable, i make myself a hotter commodity... i noticed this in a few of my friends... the harder they are to get ahold of and hang out with the more everyone wants to... so... i made myself less available

by wednesday i had so many plans its not even funny ha

i had to break my word because a good friend of mine has been on vacation and is home for two days before going out again...

so now my schedule for the next two weeks (other than work) tonight: dinner with M and her boyfriend and T1, tomorrow is empty but S really wanted to hang out so... Saturday clubbing with M and K, Thursday wax and hair appointment and then the Dark Knight premier... I still need people to go with for that... slash i have friends going to two different theatres and i need to figure out which theatre to buy my ticket at... T2 is a HUGE fan and is going to the imax...  i have a feeling if i can get to his house at some point this week for another party... i can get invited to that ha... and then friday night im having a kickback at my house... and saturday... if i can get ahold of this guy, im going to a bb king concert... 

so two days of being a hermit worked wonders i guess

other things

thank god for my cousin

shes like... so sane

and she gets like everything going on with like... how crazy that side of my family is

i mean... they are nice people...

but....

also... im going to try to keep this blog but dont keep your hopes up

hopefully this will at least follow my summer through because seriously i have so many random stories i need a place to put them all down

now i just have to catch up from the first part of the summer... im thinking ill start... with the first night i drank

tequila and a blue mix

disgusting... but i got a button down shirt... and i broke a glass by my pool

this boy L kissed me on the forehead and i thought he really liked me

a week later we hooked up and he called me his girlfriend and i met his family

i spent the night at his house and it was so amazing... he was so sweet and kind

and then he and his wife called off the divorce and got back together

i found this out from a mutual friend almost a week after it happened

now he sends me anonymous asshole-like messages cussing me out on facebook via honesty box or whatever the fuck and im like seriously? really

my best friend B thinks its his wife...

i think either way im so done with that situation

What a Night

tonight included:
random guy stalking me on facebook
repainting my nails... and spilling
losing an episode on a dvd... seriously wtf?
refinding said episode... (seriously it said episodes 4-7 on disc 2 and 8-9 on disc 3... in reality it was 4-6 on disc 2 and 7-9 on disc 3... wtf?)
leaving for hookah
spilling my soda
finding out that you have to have one hookah per two people (WTF PITA?)
stiffing pita house for said ridiculousness (we paid half)
getting a call from J, my friend in Minnesota, but as we were leaving pita in a hurry, couldnt talk much... and never got to finish my story... booo...
going to jack in the box... for tacos?
dancing in the rain
driving to hancock
trying to sneak in but instead paying child admission? for future reference... 675 ≠ free
pissing off everyone in the theater by being generally obnoxious
going to the bathroom and seeing another person with a handle of tequila in their purse... wtf is with these people? 
saw hancock
got ridiculously slap happy
couldnt figure out WHY the camera man zoomed in on the womans hair and equally retarded things and couldnt keep the camera still
went out to the car... which had a huge scratch/dent... okay it would be a dent but its totally flat... wtf? and not knowing WTF happened
drove K home
saw a man silent raving... which was cool we drove past and played our music
he ran at us
sped away
dropped off K
drove past the SAME man like 8 blocks from where we saw him 5 minutes ago
dropped off M and while driving to Ts house... saw a grocery cart... in the middle of the road... on its side
doubled back to take pictures
dropped off T... came home... got told that since i keep damaging the car (WTF?) i 'probably shouldnt drive' for a couple weeks

wow

what a fucking night

edit:

apparently we didnt stiff them T has informed me... so i drove off crazy fast and missed my chat with J for nada? 

also T had this to say "yeah wtf daniel (the guy who gave us the discounted tickets rather than free ones) if ur reading this 6.75 is NOT THE SAME AS FREE you are a retard thank you for saving me like $1.50"