worryworryworryworry

my applications are due november 1st. that is 24 hours away. unless it is by the end of november 1st and thus 48. but either way. time is running out
im worried
i dont think ill fit into lewis and clark
but i liked it so much
i think ill fit into ups i think i will be happy
but i wasnt excited... but maybe that was just circumstances.
i dont know what to do
what if im not happy at either place?

i got my halloween costume together
i think i was more confident of it in the store

i cant sleep and im having panic attacks
so i watch madmen and greys anatomy
they made me cry though so i dont want to watch them anymore tonight
and the office wont load
but i have to be up at like... 4-5-6 or something to curl my hair so i look good
for no one
but still

i realized i have no plans for halloween

im lonely

i measured myself tonight
bad idea
im like a good 2 inches off on my last number
no model has an ass that big
my waist is only an inch bigger than it used to be... my boobs are huge though... but thats not such a huge problem either
its that damn ass
you try buying me jeans that fit my waist hips and length that arent like 200 dollars

i need to save money

i need to write thank you notes
i need to find a new job


an affair to remember is showing at biltmore fashion square next friday. its in the park there

i would ask if someone would go see it with me
but if you read this... you are a million miles away


i really should sleep
but my stomach wont let me...

update 2

You know what I love? (this is where you all say “no what?” or “yes you love me but what else dear caitlin?”) I love when it’s 3 am and you check your email and you see you got an email from someone that you really like and youre all shaky and happy after reading it. Even if it’s a boring nothing note, just whenever they talk to you that’s how you get all breathless and excited. Okay so maybe the shakiness is more due to the fact that it’s 3 am and youre awake, which for me generally means you are FREEZING, but I never notice im cold until after ive read it and im shaking.
Oh berkeley boy... Seriously... Why do I like you so much? I barely know you but I get crazy butterflies whenever I see your name.

Oh fuck
Now the list of things to do this weekend (before my trip to berkeley to see the ladies) is rather ridiculous:
Write my philosophy paper (thank you cory for reminding me it’s due youre a saint among men)
More importantly figure out what the fuck I’m writing it on
Before Tuesday
Also figure out if I have a test/midterm/etc in mythology and study for that... Perhaps I can do that on the plane today?
Unpack
Find all of the beautiful clothes of mine that went missing in the move
Find betsy’s birthday box, repack if necessary, add to if possible
Do laundry
Meet up with my boys and jane and numerous other people that I haven’t seen in awhile
Finish applications/essays/etc.
Make my skin radiant
Figure out what to wear to this post-game-bash at eric’s (you hear that mills ladies a REAL PARTY! It’s my vote, obviously, that we go)
Repack for magical trip to see magical love of my life betsy (and maybe go on a date or two with magical berkeley boy) note, this time bring razor, it actually matters this go-round
Sleep (oh god I do miss this one, and I get the feeling it will be falling to the wayside this week... But I sleep so well when it’s in the arms of my beloved so whatever... Although I canNOTsleep through brunch Saturday, just in case they have my fucking chicken tenders... Then again if they do they probably won’t give them to me because thats just the way mills is with me it’s a love-hate-hate-hate-love-love-hate-hate-hate relationship. Love the people so very very much, hate the actual school... It’s complicated)
Go to work
Don’t spend any money unless necessary... Or it’s utterly perfect

Suggestions for any one/all of these is SO welcome

Oh fuck and write eric back (obtain number?)


Okay it’s 3am I have to be at the airport at 11, probably wake up by 9 and be gone (becky has a friend in town this weekend so we may breakfast with them, utterly unsure) and repack and shower, I would like to not fall asleep on the plane as, obviously, I have a shit-ton of work to do (oh fuck I didn’t pre-check-in... Balls) and whatever I can do in flight would help out oodles... And then I have to go home start the unpacking process, catch up with family friends, and be in bed early enough that waking up for work tomorrow won’t seem ridiculously painful. And then I have work/class until 9 get home by 930 and write my fucking paper due the next day... I would say fuck I planned badly but I enjoyed my time off... So I guess it’s one of those situations where you have to plan for your long-term mental sanity and hopefully it all works out...

But seriously... BED! Night everyone!

updte 1

I realized one of the reasons I am not so excited about willamette is that I have a friend that goes there. And well... She is very sweet and I do have fun with her but I feel so drained by her most of the time. Like... Whenever we get together all we do is talk about her love life issues, even when there aren’t any issues we talk about her past issues. And because that bothers me so much in her I’ve noticed I do this as well, but I feel like I do it more after being around her. I self-doubt and over-analyze more and because all we talk about is her I feel this need to talk about myself with everyone else. I’ve also noticed that when I’m with her I don’t make good decisions. It was never “hey do you want to go out tonight” it was “hey I want to hang out so what time are you sneaking out” even when I was tired and needed to sleep for work and class, I felt this extreme pressure to drop everything to stay out late with her. And I can tell that if I went there she would want to live with me and then my whole life would become centered around that. And I really just don’t feel like that is where I want to be. I love her dearly but... She isn’t someone I feel like it’s good for me to be around too much for too long.

And I keep thinking about UPS and I keep thinking about things I liked there. And maybe that is where I should go. I don’t know this is too damn hard, I should have been done with all of this two years ago. Fucking... Anyways

In utterly random unrelated news... Today while packing up some things and moving around, I cut my finger. Still don’t know how, I immediately noticed and looked around but could NOT find the source of the cut. It has been hurting pretty badly ever since and then tonight I pulled the extra skin that is always left after a cut, (you know, the part that whenever it hits something the whole finger hurts again as if it has just been cut again) off, and now I’ve noticed that my pinky finger is kind of numb and tingly... It’s definitely creeping me out.

So I’m no longer at LC. I went back to my aunt and uncle’s for the night. I’ll spend the night here and honestly I am a little relieved to be away from the school. Maybe that’s a sign. As happy as I was to just wander around, I noticed that I was always alone. And that just sort of got to me. I wanted to be with people again. I’m sure that would be different if I actually went there rather than just visited randomly. But whatever. Anyways so I went back to my aunt and uncle’s and we saw the movie W. Oh wow. It was really good. It makes you really think, I mean on the one hand it is so sad and true and you laugh because wow that actually occurred. But on the other hand you have to realize that wow George W. Bush is a person. Not just a figurehead. And he has life experiences and thoughts that led him to make the decisions he did. It’s so easy to just laugh like oh haha georgebushisdumb haha but like... You have to remember that he is a person jsut like each of us. And yes his decisions not the best, but like, there WERE reasons he made them.

On the other hand I could draw real parallels between georgie and these books I’ve been reading on king henry VIII and I think it’s really interesting that I see them as so similar. Both trying to prove themselves and separate themselves from their father’s and their brother’s legacies. Both so unsure and flippant about their decisions but also trying so hard to remember that there are actual people on the line. Both so sure that their country is the best and that the decisions they are making are for the best. I don’t know it was so interesting. The last scene was really really intense. I don’t think everyone who watches it gets it but I feel like that was the culmination of everything. The moment where he finally GETS it. As my uncle put it, because of that moment, it felt like a greek tragedy. Unfortunately it was real. It happened. I don’t know if this is quite everything I feel or phrased the way I wish it was because, quite frankly, it’s late and I’m too lazy to re-read and edit this. So uhh... Hope that made sense and if there is some grievous error I do apologize for it.

Also fuck no wi-fi.

College Visits Part Four: Lewis and Clark Actual

So I’ve wandered around campus, sat in on a class, took my tour, and gone to the room of the girl I’m staying with. So far I am really liking campus. The professor was a newbie but what he had to say about discussion and the things he has discovered about the way classes generally flow here really really appeals to me. It sounds like discussions etc. Are just how I like them. Student driven and open ended, not so politicized.

The person I am staying with I found on facebook and she’s nice but... She’s an RA on the sub-free floor, if that tells you anything. She’s just very... Idk how to explain it. Like the kind of girl who would be an RA on a sub-free floor. Like the kind of girl who wears the hiking boot tennis shoes and says things like “celebrate my yoga mats”. And none of that is wrong it’s just, very much descriptive for me about what she is like. But she is very chill about everything too, she tried to get me my own key for the door (fail but... She tried) and she was like you can go and come whenever you want, my door is unlocked all the time,and while this is a sub-free dorm... Just don’t come back totally drunk and obvious about it, and if you are spending the night elsewhere, just give me a text so I don’t worry.
Anyways so this is the next day. I saw T2 last night, he goes here, and no awkwardness which was nice... Unfortunately he was still very dapper and sweet and funny and I gave him like twelve hugs... Ha Anyways. Just sort of hanging out on campus. In one of the like cafe areas. I may go sit in on a class later. Actually my host told me that it was mandatory to visit her indian philosophy class if I was staying with her so... I guess I WILL be going to that one... Anyways this is such a cool place to just people watch. And this is for my betsy... The boys here where plaid like 24/7 its incredible... I don’t know how I’m functioning to my left there are 3 boys in plaid and two to my right. It’s ridiculous. And they are all really attractive. Although honestly it could just be that I know they are really intelligent to be here you know? Like I just know if I went up and talked to any of them I could have a really good intense conversation with them. That plus the plaid and... Well I’m sold.
So last night as I was falling asleep I sort of had a panic attack of... What if I’m not hippie or cool enough. I mean hear I am wandering around campus in a white sweater and red heels and pearls and red lipstick. That is SO not lewis and clark style. But whatever. As betsy mentioned, it won’t be long until I’m wandering around in my standard robot man pants oversized sweatshirts and not going to class so... Who cares. Ha this group to my left is talking and I keep catching snippets of it “Mr. Miyagi from the karate kid” and “Humphrey Bogart was really intriguing” and I really want to know if they are studying for a class or just discussing movies. And how those two came up together in that discussion. Anyways my computer is dying so I think I’m going to go wander back to her room the long way and hope that someone will let me in the building. Still have only ran into two people I know here. So perhaps I will run into more later today. Anyways. Have a lovely lovely day everyone.

College Visits Part Three: Lewis and Clark Preliminary

So I just finished my interview, haven’t gotten to the tour or anything else but so far I am LOVING it here. It still reminds me of mills but in a very good way that I don’t mind. The couple of people I asked for directions were extremely friendly and nice. The dean of admissions is so sweet and intelligent and funny. I’m really excited for this. I feel like the interview went incredibly well and that I really left a great impression. So that is good news. It is also so beautiful here and I mean it is in Portland which is not only like 10 miles from my aunt and uncle but also is SUCH a cool city.
I called my mom to tell her how I felt so far, and she told me that my sister has decided to pay for my Berkeley application fee, and my mom will pay for my Lewis and Clark one since those are my top two schools, and the places each of them think I will be happiest at. Also as I may have mentioned, LC boys are CUTE! But then again they are CLABs so... It is to be expected.

College Trip 2008: A Brief Intermission

So today I traveled around Portland with my Uncle and can I just say I love it so much. We just went around this little area full of coffee shops and little boutiques. Things were really expensive but the houses and buildings there are so beautiful. I sort of found my ideal apartment too, well at least from the outside. It has a little porch area that is a fire escape and all wrought iron and pretty. On the top floor there was a bunch of potted flowers and it just seemed so picturesque and breakfast at tiffany’s. It was incredible. My uncle says that the housing in the northwest is more affordable than you would expect and that living there in general isn’t as expensive as san fran, but then again what is?
My aunt is now 8 months pregnant, although she barely has a baby bump she’s so tiny and adorable I love her. Anyways little baby boy Rowan Brady (how adorable is that name) is due in 5 weeks! My uncle also told me that he is in the national guard and that he is going to boot camp and possibly iraq (which is not only extremely scary for everyone but also so odd because he’s such a little hippie it’s unexpected) anyways, if I end up in Portland he wanted to know if I would be able to come help Becky with Rowan when he comes because they don’t have a lot of family and she’s going to be very nervous with him gone. I said of COURSE I would.
I also had some of the best yogurt/milk/ice cream ever. Tillamook is now like my favorite ever.

College Visits Part Two: University of Puget Sound

So I mean it’s a great school. Friendly people, good food (you all know how important that is to me), good radio station, beautiful campus, nice professors and all of that, but I just wasn’t feeling it. Not sure why I’m just not feeling connected, there. I could definitely work there though and I’m even pretty excited about some of the things they offer there but... There really is no spark to make me feel like I should go there. I kept waiting for something mroe to push me over the edge from my uncertainty. I mean like I said it has everything I like in a school and find important but... I don’t know why I am hesitating. Okay there are a few things I don’t like, tile floors in the dorm rooms, small computer labs, but as you can see none of them are deal breakers. I sort of feel alternately that it’s JUST like mills, and that it is just a little picturesque “college” typical experience. I mean I can totally see where I would fit in if I went there, hang out in the cellar all the time, constantly listening to the radio station, work with alumni relations, maybe rush a sorority, if not live in one of the theme houses, graduate with some sort of English degree/Communications minor. It’s so odd. I think the Mills feel just came from having stayed in an all girls dorm (the only one on campus) and having the big event of the night being Gossip Girl in the basement. I mean that was totally fun and everything BUT it just reminded me so much of Mills. I know that it is different from Mills overall and in so many ways it is so radically different, but it’s hard because I did just get that overwhelming feeling.

So my visit went something like, get picked up by the prospy from willamette, get lost like twelve times on the way to UPS get dropped off say goodbye to prospy and then go to dinner blah blah (my host was pretty chill cool friends I enjoyed hanging out with them) went to watch gossip girl, hung out in her room while she did some homework, went to one of the co-ed dorms to hang out with her guy friends, back to the room and to bed. Next morning was breakfast, tour (the tour guide didn’t know like anything, and she barely talked to me she only talked to the other student really) this literature class with a really interesting professor, and my interview which I think went pretty smashing overall. Then grabbed a pizza from the cellar and went to the taxi to take to the cab (prospy was in school oh god... He was like an underage coked out kid and I made out with him... You know what we won’t think about that) and the movie on the ride back to portland is WALLE! But... I don’t have my headphones... So sad.... Left them with kirin... :(

Anyways heading back down to Portland gonna hang out with my aunt and uncle tomorrow/tonight. Going to Lewis and Clark on Thursday and we’ll see how it goes from there.

PS guys input on these schools is SO welcome and SO needed

College Visits Part One: Willamette

What an adventure. So I came to visit my friend Kirin at Willamette and check it out for my possible transfer. So I got there and walked to her dorm from the bus station (oh by the way GREAT bus ride like 12 cute guys, a lot from Lewis and Clark... Hmmm all sitting around me. But I just sort of slept the whole way there. Meh whatever.) So I walk to Kirin’s dorm and kind of hang out there and then grab some tea and go to my tour and interview. Can I just say that so far I LOVE oregon. It’s so beautiful and it just is so huge and open. Salem seems kind of lame but... Portland is only an hour away. The school is really nice I like the way they approach education with their whole “required” areas and not having to declare by a certain point. Everyone is really nice and the campus is just small and cosy. (cozy? Cosy? Whatever) but the total school is like double the size of mills so I could still like meet new people. Idk it just seems cute and like I would like it. But I haven’t really seen a whole lot of other schools so...
Anyways that night we were going to dinner standing in the middle of this campus road that isn’t really a road. And we hear sirens and tires squealing and this guy who is running from the cops starts driving recklessly down the road... Right at us, no signs of stopping, we jumped out of the way and he like drives and jumps out of the car and goes running. We think he tried to stop the car but just like... Neutral dropped it or something because the car kept going... Straight into the campus river. The cops later found him and everything, turns out he was wanted for bank fraud, and he was already on probation for vehicular manslaughter. Nice job guy. So that was kind of the event of the night. Everyone was like omg. Apparently some people are planning on reenacting it that day next year because “nothing ever happens here”. So that was sort of the evening. We did play sardines in one of the buildings (they have access to all buildings on campus, 24/7 so that is really cool) and then hung out with some of kirins friends and another prospy, but this time a normal one. Let’s just say the way he introduced himself was by walking into kirin’s friends room announcing he had jumped off the roof saying that “those shrooms really fucked with me” and then trying to figure out how many people were in the room... 3. He ended up being very cool and intelligent though once we started talking to him.
So then last night, day 2 at willamette, was a fucking ridiculous night. Like most ridiculous night of my life. We went to this frat party (oh that’s the other thing at willamette all of the frat’s and sororities are dry... Like actually dry not just pretending to be dry) and it was a black out party so we got all highlightered up and dressed in white and it was awesome. It was PACKED we had to wait an hour in line because of the fire code. DJ was pretty good, he played like techno and rap and like old school journey all night. Great time. I danced with an Olympian. Nick Symmonds. It was pretty cool. And then I was dancing with this other guy. Pretty sure his name was Jose. He’s from Argentina. And we ended up making out and I kept thinking... Oh great I’m the girl making out with a guy in front of everyone at a dance party, it was rather awkkward (yes two k’s awkward) and I kept trying to break it off to like go to the bathroom, find water, find my friends, find my purse, leave, whatever. And he kept trying to convince me to go back to his house with him. So then when the party was over we headed back to Kirin’s dorm and hung out with the two guys from the night before. (Note, up until this point TOTALLY sober) And then one of them sort of mentioned that he had bought us two bottles of wine. Well one of them was a double. Pretty sure I drank about a bottle and a half of wine. Within an hour. It was ridiculous and I got pretty fucking drunk. As you might guess. It was just really tasty and I didnt realize it until Kirin was like “hey can I have some more, JESUS CAITLIN DID YOU DRINK ALL OF THIS?!” So that was fun. And we hung out and played ping pong and I tried to talk about life but the sober people laughed at me. The drunk people thought it was really deep and profound and it was fun. People kept coming and going but it kind of stayed with me and kirin her friend and the prospy. (prospy? Prospie? Whatever). So then we ended up in the guy’s room and kirin and I were laying with prospy on the floor and cuddling and then I’m not sure when but kirin left to go to her room, and then I was sort of making out with prospy, and then he had to go to his train and he walked me back to kirins room and told me I should call him when I’m in tacoma tomorrow to visit UPS.

Now here is the thing. One I have the biggest hickey Kirin and I have ever seen. She thinks it looks like a rash. Still not sure which one (maybe both?) gave it to me. Jesus.
Two. Jose saw me the next morning and since I had given him the excuse that I had to leave really early that day and it was like 1 in the afternoon I had to make up some shit fast. (train delayed? Sure why not).
Three. Prospy uhm... Didn’t just doshrooms I don’t think. When I had walked into their room earlier that night I had seen a line in front of him and a rolled up dollar bill. His school ID was what he was using to cut the line... So I’m sort of like wow... I made out with a coked up underage kid on a college visit. He gave me the largest known hickey on the face of the earth.
Four. I have NEVER made out with a guy I didn’t know very well. I have only kissed 3 guys. And then in two nights I make out with two guys I don’t know, just met, and don’t know their names well enough to find them on facebook. (jose found me this morning though... And yes that is his name *phew*)

Anyways at the train station and my train is coming soon, like 2 minutes soon. God I’m tired and I want to sleep but it’s only an hour train ride so I’m not sure I should. Wouldn’t that be great Wake up in Seattle.
So not sure if that night was a sign I SHOULD go there, or that I should just stay the fuck away. On another really cute note about willamette there is a story that if you have your first kiss under the star trees (5 giant redwood trees that when you stand under them make a star in the sky) you will marry that person. Also apparently 70% of willamette students marry other students from the school. And from what I’ve heard it’s not a hook up school, like... People tend to just date there. (my two experiences are just an anomaly both for myself and the school, but neither go there. One was exchange student and one was a prospy so... Maybe that’s why?)


oh also JUST remembered I also helped steal a couch last night and smoked a cigarette. it was boring and tasted weird.

also...

i sincerely resent using up valuable ipod room simply to put things on there that "should be on there"


i dont want the bob dylan on my ipod

i want spice girls and katy perry and stupid shit

but i have to add the bob dylan and other stuff that while yes i like it and yes i have it, id rather just keep it on my comp and not my ipods valuable room... but people dont browse your itunes and judge you, they browse your ipod and judge you so your ipod has to be all balanced and just GRR


also fuck i have a school interview on friday... fuck... i packed comfy clothes for the trip, not interview clothes... shit shit shit repack


i give up guys... like seriously whats the point?

excuse me while i be very shallow and self absorbed

i am 19 now
the negative:
i also weigh more than 45 pounds more than i did at the beginning of the summer
not that that's a bad thing... i was like 20 pounds too light at the beginning of the summer

but now im a size 8-10... officially... at multiple stores


ive never been more than a 4 in my life

my job is ending soon
i dont have a replacement in sight

im terribly depressed and my throat constantly hurts in that way that it does when you dont let yourself cry

i have no idea if or when or where im going back to school

there is a boy.. but that is so beyond hopeless... as always right?

im broke
and i found a way to go about things so that i would still be able to go to san francisco
and my mom gave me this whole talk about how i have to learn to be happy where i am and i cant always be flitting off wherever the fuck i want and i was like well yeah but its a question of friends or family i cant just do one and shes like well i did ive gone three years without seeing any of MY friends
ignoring the fact that she never really did like her friends... she was always complaining that they were calling her or wanting to hang out... and ignoring that i am not the largest fan of my family at the moment either...

so basically to make it as concise as possible right now i feel:
fat
lonely
lazy
stupid
ugly
unlovable
forgotten
pointless

and no this isnt me trying to get you guys to be like "nuh-uh caitlin you are so thin!" or "omg i love you! i miss you!"

because yes i am thin by some standards but not my standards... you think of me as thin because that is what i have been the entire time you have known me this whole summer i have eaten jack in the box almost every day and not much other than fast foods i dont exercise i do nothing this is not healthy caitlin... and knowing my family genes this is going to lead down a very bad path

yes im not "fat" but im not healthy either and there is no word for that in between


ill do the positives later im just going to go finish packing for my trip up to portland and then watch some garbage tv curl up and cry myself to sleep as i have done almost every night since i moved here


november is going to be a bitch