updte 1

I realized one of the reasons I am not so excited about willamette is that I have a friend that goes there. And well... She is very sweet and I do have fun with her but I feel so drained by her most of the time. Like... Whenever we get together all we do is talk about her love life issues, even when there aren’t any issues we talk about her past issues. And because that bothers me so much in her I’ve noticed I do this as well, but I feel like I do it more after being around her. I self-doubt and over-analyze more and because all we talk about is her I feel this need to talk about myself with everyone else. I’ve also noticed that when I’m with her I don’t make good decisions. It was never “hey do you want to go out tonight” it was “hey I want to hang out so what time are you sneaking out” even when I was tired and needed to sleep for work and class, I felt this extreme pressure to drop everything to stay out late with her. And I can tell that if I went there she would want to live with me and then my whole life would become centered around that. And I really just don’t feel like that is where I want to be. I love her dearly but... She isn’t someone I feel like it’s good for me to be around too much for too long.

And I keep thinking about UPS and I keep thinking about things I liked there. And maybe that is where I should go. I don’t know this is too damn hard, I should have been done with all of this two years ago. Fucking... Anyways

In utterly random unrelated news... Today while packing up some things and moving around, I cut my finger. Still don’t know how, I immediately noticed and looked around but could NOT find the source of the cut. It has been hurting pretty badly ever since and then tonight I pulled the extra skin that is always left after a cut, (you know, the part that whenever it hits something the whole finger hurts again as if it has just been cut again) off, and now I’ve noticed that my pinky finger is kind of numb and tingly... It’s definitely creeping me out.

So I’m no longer at LC. I went back to my aunt and uncle’s for the night. I’ll spend the night here and honestly I am a little relieved to be away from the school. Maybe that’s a sign. As happy as I was to just wander around, I noticed that I was always alone. And that just sort of got to me. I wanted to be with people again. I’m sure that would be different if I actually went there rather than just visited randomly. But whatever. Anyways so I went back to my aunt and uncle’s and we saw the movie W. Oh wow. It was really good. It makes you really think, I mean on the one hand it is so sad and true and you laugh because wow that actually occurred. But on the other hand you have to realize that wow George W. Bush is a person. Not just a figurehead. And he has life experiences and thoughts that led him to make the decisions he did. It’s so easy to just laugh like oh haha georgebushisdumb haha but like... You have to remember that he is a person jsut like each of us. And yes his decisions not the best, but like, there WERE reasons he made them.

On the other hand I could draw real parallels between georgie and these books I’ve been reading on king henry VIII and I think it’s really interesting that I see them as so similar. Both trying to prove themselves and separate themselves from their father’s and their brother’s legacies. Both so unsure and flippant about their decisions but also trying so hard to remember that there are actual people on the line. Both so sure that their country is the best and that the decisions they are making are for the best. I don’t know it was so interesting. The last scene was really really intense. I don’t think everyone who watches it gets it but I feel like that was the culmination of everything. The moment where he finally GETS it. As my uncle put it, because of that moment, it felt like a greek tragedy. Unfortunately it was real. It happened. I don’t know if this is quite everything I feel or phrased the way I wish it was because, quite frankly, it’s late and I’m too lazy to re-read and edit this. So uhh... Hope that made sense and if there is some grievous error I do apologize for it.

Also fuck no wi-fi.