excuse me while i be very shallow and self absorbed

i am 19 now
the negative:
i also weigh more than 45 pounds more than i did at the beginning of the summer
not that that's a bad thing... i was like 20 pounds too light at the beginning of the summer

but now im a size 8-10... officially... at multiple stores


ive never been more than a 4 in my life

my job is ending soon
i dont have a replacement in sight

im terribly depressed and my throat constantly hurts in that way that it does when you dont let yourself cry

i have no idea if or when or where im going back to school

there is a boy.. but that is so beyond hopeless... as always right?

im broke
and i found a way to go about things so that i would still be able to go to san francisco
and my mom gave me this whole talk about how i have to learn to be happy where i am and i cant always be flitting off wherever the fuck i want and i was like well yeah but its a question of friends or family i cant just do one and shes like well i did ive gone three years without seeing any of MY friends
ignoring the fact that she never really did like her friends... she was always complaining that they were calling her or wanting to hang out... and ignoring that i am not the largest fan of my family at the moment either...

so basically to make it as concise as possible right now i feel:
fat
lonely
lazy
stupid
ugly
unlovable
forgotten
pointless

and no this isnt me trying to get you guys to be like "nuh-uh caitlin you are so thin!" or "omg i love you! i miss you!"

because yes i am thin by some standards but not my standards... you think of me as thin because that is what i have been the entire time you have known me this whole summer i have eaten jack in the box almost every day and not much other than fast foods i dont exercise i do nothing this is not healthy caitlin... and knowing my family genes this is going to lead down a very bad path

yes im not "fat" but im not healthy either and there is no word for that in between


ill do the positives later im just going to go finish packing for my trip up to portland and then watch some garbage tv curl up and cry myself to sleep as i have done almost every night since i moved here


november is going to be a bitch